My world as you see it;

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Tonight went to prom. Bought my stuffs from John little. The whole outfit cost 150 bucks. But hey, I bought office wear so it's still useful I guess. Well quite a few of us came late, then again the event only started at around 7.30. Don't really blame the girls, they probably had to doll up. But I must say what hui xian wore was too revealing. Maybe she's going clubbing after prom, I don't know. And of course my prediction was correct, a lot of girls overdid their make up. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I just think the whole thing was like a...farcade...I mean everyone was dressed up, putting a hell lot of effort into it. But at the end of the day behind those make up, those posh clothings and sexy dresse, is just another schoolmate. I just get put off by this whole thing. Anyway tab was sick, she was suddenly down with fever just yesterday. She wore another nice dangly earrings, as usual. But I didn't flick it cuz I don't want to disturb a sick girl. She went home half way. Man the 65 bucks was totally not worth it. The food was average. And they only had two drinks. And the food sometimes arrive cold. And the beauty peagent was...well not just my cup of tea. And the MC sounded tiring awhile with his lame jokes.
Hmmm...to me it's a bitter sweet feeling now. On one hand you won't be seeing your classmates, friends, some of whom you'll miss much and some of whom...well not so much. Then on the other hand there's this new future ahead of us where we can't wait to move into. I just wish everyone all the best for thier future. This two years have been real tough for me. But there are so many memories, there are both good and bad. Probably all of them will stay in my mind.
I went home with yl and kf after that. We took mrt, lucky we managed to catch the last train. Then that yl made me send kf home. He just alighted at je mrt and just left both of us. Kf said no need for me to send her home but the situation was obvious. It's already passed midnight and I'm the only guy left. So it wasn't a matter of choice. I don't like it all, we just kept silent through out. And I just hate that awkward atmosphere. Anyway after I sent her to her block lift, I at first thought of taking a cab home. But decided to walk back home. Just to clear my thoughts and reflect. So now here I am writing at a bus stop.
Well there's this unsettling news that I wanted to tell tab but decided not to. My dad is now floating the idea of sending me to Australia for further studies, it's not definite but has a high chance of it. He said there are better job opportunities there and easier to settle down and not so fast paced and crowded like Singapore. Plus my brother is already there so it's easier to send me over. As always, thinking for his sons futures. I mean it makes sense according to his ideas. But I don't feel good about it. It's already hard trying to provide for my brother who's already there. And he's the one who kept complaining about it. Now he wants to send me over too. It'll just add even more burden to him and I feel guilty about it too. But the worst thing for me is changing to a new environment. I can't imagine going through the whole thing as I did when I came over to Singapore to study. And losing my close friends here. That's the hardest part. I'm not a very socialble person and it takes a while for me to warm up to someone. Hai...I don't know how to break it to my friends. I don't know how they'll react to it when I tell them that they might never see me again. Seriously I'll miss everyone and probably will have another breakdown. Hmmm...just thinking of it is already hard. Maybe that's just my fate, to be a drifter, going from one place to another, just passing by, never staying long. But I think I should at least tab about it. Of all people I guess it'll be wrong of me not to tell her and just disappear. If it happens, I guess she'll have to find another guy to complain about monthly cramps, quarrels with her sibilings and parents. Find another guy who's shy and introvert to shoot at and make him feel embarrassed. Find another guy who admires her nice dangly earrings and itching to flick them. I guess I'll break it to her one of these days. Ok time for me to start walking back home again.
6/12

my second voice
- 3:00 PM

I CAN'T PLAY TESTIMONIAL!!! >( Apparently it's been postponed AGAIN to Jan. It's damn fucked up. I was really looking forward to it. I thought I could finally play flanker. Arrrggg, I'm pissed.
Hai...anyway went down for training with the j1s, and I forgot to bring my boots. Brought the wrong boots. Still feel cui, but improving. Mr sufian said I can play the Centaurs match. But it's 10s and there's no flanker position!! But I guess I'll just have to be contempt with it. We played a couple of 10s matches with the seniors. Funny thing was tha there were more seniors than the juniors. Daniel said some of them were sick and the others have work. Anyway, the j1s have much work to do. Their tacklings are a really problem. Like Yee Min said, they're not taking the initiative and being committed to the tackle. I kept telling them, especially Robert, that they always go in with their arms stretched. They're trying to pull down the opponent instead of going in with the shoulders to give a solid tackle. Playing 10s means there are more spaces to run and with this many miss tackles that they're making, they'll just get owned. And they still lack the agression. Ted said they're quite soft.
Anyway, the other day I didn't realize I make tab feel insulted, saying about her faith. I felt so guilty after reading. Well it got me thinking, is religion, or even race, going to be a big issue for my future life? Well I think I'm a free-thinker now. I've been exposed to a few different religions and somehow it just doesn't...how to put it...make me feel like I want to put my believe in any of it. When I was young, I started off as a Buddhist. My mom always relate it with morals to teach me how to be a good person. And of course I didn't question much and just took them in as she said, what would you expect from a small kid who was expected to be guai. We were very close and I guess I even enjoyed all her guidances and teachings. She used to go on and on from one thing to another and I'll just hug her and listen and they sounded interesting. But the problem was that she's still half Burmese. And when she married my dad and came into a chinese family, she had to follow the customs because it was a traditional Chinese family. So there she was teaching me Buddhist but it's a mix of Burmese and Chinese. So we would go to both Burmese and Chinese temples to pray. And it all became sort of mambo jambo, I slowly start to take it as tradition instead of taking it as practicing my belief, because I guess I was lost. There I was praying to different deities without putting my faith in. And when I came to Singapore to study, I lived with a guardian and the family was Christian. They would take us to church and make us join the children service with their own children. I felt very intruded at first and told my dad about it, he said never mind just take it as exposure. And it was quite an exposure. It was totally different from Buddhism. I didn't think that joyful singing was giving hounour and respect. And I thought these people went mad when they started praying in the 'tongue language'. And how do you pray when you don't have a visual image of the god. All these left me very puzzled. But I slowly learnt when I asked my friends about their religions, likewise for Muslim and Hinduism. And I learnt somemore when I went to my secondary school which was a catholic school. There are many type of Christianity, sort of how my Buddhism was like. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't believe in their faith anymore. I don't dare. I don't know how they would react to it. And in the future would the girl I like, mind about me not having a religion and likewise for her parents. Personally I don't really care about her religion, well maybe except for Muslim. I can't go on for the rest of my life without pork. Would my parents mind too about her different religion? And if somehow we managed to pass this huge barrier through some miracle, when we have kids whose religion are they going to follow? Personally I don't mind if they follow hers. It makes things easier as well since it's easier to teach using religion. Hmm...the more you think about it, the more the things get complicated.
27/11

my second voice
- 3:00 PM

Been quite long since I wrote. Now that the more worrying papers are over, I can ease up a little. Let's see...chem was a killer. Gp was ok I guess. Math was relatively easy which means the cut off mark for A will be much higher. Can't wait to start relaxing and playing again on 23rd. All that's left will be physics p1 and it'll still be almost a week away so not much pressure. Hopely the guys can come down for a training. If not I guess I'll hang out with Eugene and yl. Probably be playing tennis and swim after that. It's gonna take quite an effort for me to start my engine again. Been so long since I last exercised and I've put up a few pounds during this exam period. My school pants feel tight now. Damn those chips!!! They're so enticingly placed right beside the sofa for me to chomp on automatically when I'm watching tv. And not to mention those nice afternoon naps after lunch. And the cunningly placed condensed milk can in the fridge which is opened wide for me to dip my pinkie in and suck on it. I've already came up with a rough schedule to get back into shape. In the morning, probably go to school and run for an hour followed by gym session. Then in the evening, join the j1 training and on those no training days I'll probably go down to Eugene's house to swim or go jw swimming complex or just go run. Probably be feeling sluggish for the first couple days but I can only blame myself...and the chips...and the naps...and the condensed milk...and my mom (it's all her fault for buying those chips and opening the can in the first place, wait in fact it's all her fault!!)
Busy days ahead for all of us. Yl today asked me to follow him on Friday to jp to buy present for xj. Her birthday is coming up on the 22nd, next Monday. And he's got quite a plan going on. According to him, he asked her out for a movie. At first she asked whether is it class outing. Then he said no, I just want you to go. She replied ok can. Sounds like a date!! Hmm...it could be just me or I'm getting better at taking hints, but that definitely sounds like a hint for yl to make a move. Or she's just plain naive or just toying with yl. Well I wish him all the best. If all went well, we might be seeing a newly formed couple at prom :) Speaking of which, not really looking forward to prom. It's such a big fuss and a hassel. I've to go shopping for a shirt, pants and shoes. And I've to endure the horror of seeing girls with overly done make up. Personally I prefer girls without make up. I mean everyone has got a pimple or two and even for those with acne problems, I think make up will just worsen their conditions. Hmm...I'm not sure what I'll do after prom. Confirm would have some post prom programme. I shall see where the wind blows. Anyway after chem we went to bukit batok to eat. We talked about how they check out girls. They'll usually turn their heads and observe the girl for a couple of seconds and in that time manage to assess from top to bottom. As always I failed miserably again. Seems like I don't know the procedure of assessment. I'll usually just take a quick glance and that's about it...well maybe other than the mrt girl case. That one even I myself have no idea why it happened. Anyway, I won't scan from top to bottom and come up with a rating. Well it's more like I can't. My brain can't process fast for this kind of thing.
After prom, I think I'll probably be left with two weeks plus before I return home. Well, I guess this time round I have something to look forward to. It's been like 10 years since I came to Singapore to study and I haven't had a Chinese reunion dinner with the whole family every since. 10 years!!! It's like more than half my lifetime!! Every year I dread CNY period. It's always the same old thing, stuck at home doing nothing. I envy my friends, having fun with the families during the dinner and collecting hong baos. It's not so much about the food but the whole atmosphere. I guess I enjoy the company of having people eating together with me and chatting. And my grandpa's birthday is in January so that's two dinners to look forward to. Plus I'll be collecting hong baos as well, which I can change back S$ from my parents :D :D free cash is always nice. But I'm not sure about being around for the annual water festival. It's in April and I might be in Singapore. It's always such fun during those 4 days of festival. I'll say it's on par with the new year eve party for teenagers, probably the most anticipated holiday as well. But all I have are the impressions when I was still a kid. It was so fun. My dad would arrange a pick-up truck on the 3rd and 4th day for touring around the city. Those on the truck were usually some from the office and friends of my aunties and uncle. I remember I would sit at the front of the truck with my aunty, armed with my trusty pressurised water gun. I would use anyone and anything that I could get my hands on as target practice. We would load the truck with 2 large barrels filled with water and a big block of ice in each and tour the city, splashing at people and getting splashed back. It's a whole day affair. We would set off in the late morning and just enjoy ourselves till late in the evening. There would be stages built around the whole city where they'll have music and girls dancing and lots and lots of water being splashed around. And mind you from what I remember, girls dressed appropriately and dancing traditional dances. We would drive to those popular stages and sometimes my auntie and the driver will quickly pull up their windows when approaching them because they meant business. Some of them are equipped fire hoses and high pressure water guns. My parents wouldn't allow me to go to the back of the truck because it's dangerous for a kid. But it could be boring after a while being stuck at the front of the truck. So I would beg my auntie to let me go to the back for some action. She would reluctantly allow provided I stay in the middle. And I'd get eventually called back after a few stops. And at those really big stages, things could get a bit rowdy. Some guys who were drunk would shout and scold vulgarities and wolf whistle at girls. But those girls at the stage doesn't get physically harassed because the stages are built a storey high. But mostly I would say it's clean innocent fun. Guys would try to tease the girls and try to attract attention and girls will purposely ignore them. Come to think of it, it's sort of like a flirting period for the youngsters. And they would drench the girls by pouring water slowly over them but they will smack the scoop of water as hard as they can at each other. And those sometimes can really hurt if done by an expert. I wonder what the whole thing is like now. Hai...come to think of it, I've been missing quite a few fun festivals with so much fun things to do. Durning CNY, we get to play with fireworks. My grandpa would buy them at from Chinatown where he used to live and give them to us to play. There are many types of fireworks. There's one where it gives multiple loud bangs. Then there's one like a rocket where after you lit it, it'll fly off with a loud 'shoooo' and end with an exploding bang. But my favourite is the firework stick. It's this about a half metre long stick filled with rounds and rounds of pellets. When you lit them, it shoot out those pellets and gives a firework display like those during national day parade. Not as spectular but still quite awesome. Then there's this candle festival. My mom would buy a few packets of candle and we would lit up our whole driveway. Then after that I'd start playing with fire, burning whatever things that I can get my hands on. We would also fly hot air ballons into the night sky. Can also other people's ballons up there as well. Then during monsoon season when we start having those heat rashes from eating too much heaty stuff like durians, my mom would let us bath in the rain. I would play ball with my brother or just run around, half naked like some crazy kid. Then we used to have seasonal fruit pickings. The garden is half fruit plantation. Got coconut, mango, guava, banana, lemon, papaya, starfruit and the velvet fruit (I don't know the actual name). My mom tried to plant watermelon for me once but it didn't work. Hmm...that habit of hers, planting useful and edible plants, even till now she tries to do that. She got this whole pot of spring onions in the house. Hmm...actually there's so much to relfect about my mom. Maybe I should dedicate a post for her. Wait...in fact maybe I should just dedicate one for whole the family, about the Leongs. Next time bah. That will be one hell of a long post.
Oh the other day I was watching this documentry on samurai sword. It's really insightful and fascinitating, about the quality of the craftsmanship and actual composition of the sword. It's amazing how people long ago could produce such a fine weapon without modern technology. It's a really tidious process of making a fine sword. There's this ore maker who would make this special carbon-steel and send it to the blacksmith who would then make the sword. After that the blacksmith would then send the sword to the polisher who would then sharpen the sword and make the blade shiny. All these people are master-class and they take great pride in their work. So they would put in the skills to produce perfect results so as to not get looked down by other fellow master craftsmen. The sword known as katana is the ultimate melée weapon. It has both aesthetic and function perfectly combined.And it has a long history with heavy Japanese influence. I'm going to display one at my house next time. My grandpa has a katana and short sword but I don't know where they're now. I remember when I used to visit him, I would sometimes sneak into his room to check out the sword. It's a lot heavier than expected. And the blade is so shiny. But the edge is dull. Maybe it's a display sword. I know there's this shop at plaza sing. It's sort of an armory shop. Got all kinds of stuff like knight armors and all kinds of swords and weapons. I think almost all of them are displaying items but they look so cool. Nothing beats a lightsaber though :)
Well that's it for now. Gosh this probably is the longest post ever.
16/11
Can't wait for Tuesday. We are starting training again. Quite a few j2s are coming down. And it's also time for me to start getting back into shape. That means no chips, no condensed milk, no afternoon naps after lunch and no soft drinks. According to mr sufian, the testimonial match is tentatively on the 4th Dec so we only have a couple weeks to get our game together, and hopefully get back at least half percent or our season fitness. This won't be much of a problem for me though because I'll be working out almost everyday. This only thing I'll have to be careful is over-exhaustion. So I'll probably plan my own conditioning after my first work out.
This is a highly anticipated match. Your looking at potential plate champs for next year vs current plate champs. So everyone is assuming that j1s are the underdogs. But in reality we are the ones. We're going up against a team which is bigger, stronger and fitter than us. And they are constantly in touch with the game. While we are unfit and lack of practice. They already have many match experiences, competitions even, so not much weaknesses we can exploit. The only weakness that I can think of is executing their backline plays. I know they've played 7s, but 15 aside is quite different. You've got less space and the pressure is much higher. When you get the ball, the opponent would probably be right at your face. Other than Daniel, the rest of the backline may screw up a bit. Our gameplan will most probably be safety and ball retention. They've got huge people like Javier and Kenneth which makes them very dangerous in our 22. They could just drive or maul through for a try, so we should always kick back for safety. Also, since we'll be slower than them, we need to retain our ball posession to slow down the pace of the game. The forwards will be a real problem. Rucks are very dangerous for us cuz they can easily turnover with their size. The only way I could see us pulling through is with sheer willpower, determination and hunger for the game. Its either make or break. Either win the j1s as everyone expected or go down in jj rugby histroy as the first senior batch to lose to the juniors in a testimonial match. I hope it'll be the former.
I'm not sure what the class had in mind after physics on Tuesday. Probably the usual stuff like pool or movie. Well maybe not yl and xj :) they probably have 'other things' to do. Think maybe Eugene might be asking me to play LAN with him.
21/11

my second voice
- 1:28 PM

Been a while again since I wrote, too busy with tution homeworks. There were piles of work to be done and I can't even find time to go out much during the one week holiday. Lucky tab arranged it on a Wednesday, my only tution free day, for the badminton outing. It was fun, since it's been a long time since I held a badminton racket. It was surprising that tab had a lot of rackets to lend, it was as if her whole family is into the sport. Anyway, I was a bit out of touch at first but quickly regained my technique. I've always like to play net shots. To me it's more exciting and fun since there's little room for errors and narrow wins. I tried to regain my shots, like the one where the shuttlecock wobbles just over the net or the one where the shuttle crosses almost horizontally to the other side while being very close to the net. I think these kind of shots put a lot of stress on the opponent cuz they can only return a defensive shot and still have to avoid hitting the net if the shuttle is very close. Besides I was playing with girls so this kind of style suits them more since I can't play smashing with them. Makes it a bit more even and fun I guess. But it's risky. It can result in a lot of unforced error, which btw I made a lot. But it's fun to see your opponent getting frustrated in trying return your irritating shots. My thighs were killing me for two days afterwards. Probably cuz of the stretching and squatting. Surprisingly I found out that if I were to squat I can return smashes better. Then after that we went to eat dinner at fish and co. Tab only sat with us for a while cuz she was having dinner at home. Didn't talk much, mostly listened to the ongoing conversation.On the way home things got really awkward. Kf and I happened to take the same bus. When we got on, we didn't even stand next to each other. It was sort of mutual I guess, both of us don't really have anything to say to each other and prefer to have minimal interaction.
Anyway, went to tab's condo to swim last Sunday. Been having this urge to swim and Sunday was the last possible day that I could. Her pool is small but it's big enough for me to practice my fly without drowning. It was funny when she got jealous of me getting a drink made by her mom whereas she didn't get one. I was rubbing it in the whole time. She really got sore about it.
Got back some of my results, just passed gp and math, but got B for Econ. It's really surprising that tab failed gp this time round. Of all people, I guess she's the least likely person. A bit disappointed with my math though. I thought I would do better, paper 2 felt easier but I got lower marks for it than paper 1.
Oh, and Sheng Da and Germaine are apparently back together. He told me they've patched up. He said they had a long and serious talk over it. Haven't got time to really asked him about it. Anyway, I heard some of the ruggers are planning to join and play for club with mr sufian's recommendation after a level. I wish I could do the same but I've to return home. But I think I can play when I come back to take my results. Meanwhile back home, I can train on my fitness. After the results are released, I'll have to wait for the application process for courses so I can work and play rugby like once a week. I'll probably have to get an armour then since I'll be quite puny as compared to most of the guys playing for clubs. Probably be asked to play as backline also. Can't wait for rugby world cup next year. NZ will kick eveyone's ass.
15/9
My prelim results are CEE,B but Lucas told me there's a new grading system where 69-60 is B, 59-55 is C and 50-54 is D. In that case then my results will be BDD,B. But still no difference, the main thing is the chase for that elusive A, which I still don't have. Anyway I really need to get a proper swimming trunks and goggles. I need to keep my tights for rugby. And goggles is a must since I swim for quite a while, my eyes won't be able to take the chlorine in the pool even if it's a condo pool. My new craze now is swimming since I can't play rugby. I think my fly stroke has improved quite a bit. Now I can complete one proper lap. I realized the kicks are more important than the arm strokes. Physically the legs are stronger than the arms so it makes sense when it's always my arms getting tired first. So the legs have to kick harder to compensate for the weaker arm. That way I can last longer. And the dolphin style is the most fundemental and very important. It's the wiggling of your body through the water. It helps you to keep the timing and the flow of the whole stroke. If you can't get the hang of it, you'll never be able to swim fly properly cuz your arms and legs just won't connect. Last Saturday when I went eugene's condo pool, he was trying to get the hang of the dolphin. But he ended up wiggling at the same spot like a fish out of water. Ironic. Maybe I should suggest to him to go learn the body wave, then apply it in the pool. Nowadays at home I keep practicing my arm strokes, swinging my arms around like a retard. That day we were talking about yl. He didn't swim with us because he said he wanted to go buy shoes at queensway. But apparently, he was studying at je library at first, with none other than xj of couse. Heavy colour light friend, haha. I don't know what's up with him, he keeps saying he don't care about girls, only care about himself. But looks like it's all air. Then we talked about li yi. He still can't get over her. It's like one sided affection. Then he questioned me whether I've really gotten over kf. I told him I have. But I was surprised that he didn't know that something happened between jl and her. I thought like everyone knew. At first I also didn't know everyone knew. I kept mum about it to protect her reputation. But then Nwe Nwe told me she knew, hx also knew. Then I started finding out that most of them also knew. Eugene and me share quite a bit of same sentiments. He was saying that maybe it's boys school pattern.
Well today there was a weird encounter with the weird hx. I got bored and tried my luck again with her in finding out the guy. It was sort of casual, I didn't even put in much effort. Then after lecture while walking down the stairs she suddenly asked me whether I'll invite her to my wedding next time. It was so random, just out of the blue she asked me that. I shall not bother myself with it.
19/8
The days in school are getting quite mundane. Especially Fridays. It's get really tiring towards the last lesson which is chem. The thought of it just makes me feel drained. But from the looks of it, things won't be improving. From next week onwards the lessons in school are just going to be tutorials. And they are at least 1.5 hrs. Just have to endure it for a month. Then comes the stress build up. I don't know how some can still be so stress free, like tab. That stupid poop, today tried very hard to convince that she's stressed out by showing her little pimple -.-. I realized I can't study in the afternoon after school. When I reach home I'll just end up checking emails then surf the net a bit to read manga or play bejeweled. Then take a nap till dinner time and start studying only at around 6.30+. And sometimes I stone when I study or play with my phone a bit. I think I'll study in school after lessons from next week onwards. Try to put more hours into revising. With the prelim papers piling up for all the subjects and plus my tution homeworks, think I'll really need those extra hours.
Well, yl has been studying out with xj during the weekends. He obviously still likes her. Maybe things are slowly working out for him. When I asked xj when she broke up with chun chai, whether she see her and yl together in the future. She replied no. I can't bear to tell yl that lest I discourage him. And anyway, you'll never know. As time pass, people and their feelings may change. He might be able to move her heart, who knows.
Today, me Gary, Eugene and yl were having lunch and we continued with our conversation about the bad points about girls in our class. Xj was the starter, which of course yl had to answer for it. But ended up dissolving the whole thing cuz when you like someone, you will become blind about the person and everything about that person is great. Then came kf and it was of course my turn to answer for it. I said she's not frank with me. I still remember on Monday when ms low recalled her jc life, how it was troubled by relationship problems and involved dumping someone. Then Gary started to shoot kf and I felt bad for her. But tab said she kinda deserved it. Well out of the whole thing, after much self-reflection, I've came to terms with it. I don't blame her for everything that has happened. Well, the only thing that I'd blame her is for not being frank with me. Out of this whole drama, she's as much a victim as I am. Feeling guilty over it, people badmouthing about her behind her back, all the awkward situations. Anyways the guys then started to bring out all my loser points, like how I never asked her out or held her. They tried to rub it in by saying that even Jian lin held before. Speaking of who, when I went on facebook to play bejeweled the first comment I saw was Jian lin's hinting that he still wants to be with kf, which btw was quite an obvious hint. Can't say that I was surprised but I just think he's just ruining his life. Now is really not the time for this, for both parties, and both their prelim results are not that good to begin with. I think jl has lost his rational senses. The way things are going and with his attitude, there's a high chance that he won't make it this year. Kf's no better, I think she failed almost all her subjects. Hmm...come to think of it, if they were to repeat next year, there might be a high chance for them to reunite? Well I can't repeat, my dad l would kill me before I do. I also can't wait to move on with my life. This 2 years of jc life was quite messed up. It would have been worse without my close friends and rugby.
Tomorrow going swimming at eugene's house again. My body is still aching from the pull ups I did. Butterfly!!!
24/9
Going to full gear mugger mode now. Deleted all my games on my phone. No more swimming, no more com, no more slacking. Probably will stop writing too, so this might just be the last entry till after a level. I got really irritated with hx today. In the morning she disturbed me while I was doing math paper. I was measuring the scales for the argand diagram and marked my compass for the radius needed for the circle. Then I left the compass calipers open and went on to draw the scales. That stupid hx closed the compass. I was pissed. It's frigging annoying. Then she just giggled. Maybe she's trying to act cute or thinks is funny. But it's not!!! And the fact that I was doing math paper was already frustrating enough. Anyway, I calmed myself and didn't let loose. Seriously, she's been getting more irritating nowadays. Like she keep trying draw stupid turtles on my papers and play around with my stationary or waste them. After the photo taking at the pe porch, we went up to the class to do a bit of work cuz apparently there's no pe. Speaking of which the girls ke kiang and stood behind during the photo taking. Not saying that I'm tall but, when the guys sat in front I think it'll just make the girls look shorter. Imagine people like Jian lin and Xiao Liang already reaching about kf's height even when sitting down. Anyway in the class, when I was settling down, that hx commented on my white hair and tried to pull it. That's when I lost it. I told her off to stop irritating me and that she's getting very irritating nowadays. I didn't shout at her. It was just a little raise in the volume. After I let off a bit of steam, everything just returned to normal till Gary came to me during break and started praising me that I did well to tell her off. I didn't even give it a second thought about it after it happened until after Gary mentioned it. Apparently, he witnessed the whole thing. He said after I told her off, she made that awkward face and luckily things weren't so bad cuz Xiao Liang tried to shoot me when I told her off. Then I thought back and felt bad about it cuz maybe I went a bit overboard. But Gary said I did the right thing and didn't went overboard at all. Then the guys tried to be cheeky and said maybe she's trying to attract my attention or trying to flirt with me. I was like who in the hell flirt by pulling white hair?!?! But I still feel bad. I may have overreacted a bit. I, myself, might be irritating to her sometimes, like I used to pester her to tell me the guy she like, so it wasn't really fair on my part perhaps? Anyway, I shall talk to her tomorrow and dissolve the whole thing and stop myself from dwelling on it.
Had a nice surprise today, Fern texted me. It was a bit random but we managed to exchange a few text. We were asking each other about the prelim results. And he was still sore about losing to me during o level, saying things like this time he won't lose to me. I miss my st.gab's friends. Well actually just the close bunch of them really. The rest in my class are mostly just a bunch of overly kia su, snotty bunch of muggers. Well there are a few that are generally nice but not really close with them. He's like Zhen yuan minus the genius brain. He's overly nice that he gets bullied by his own younger sister. In his eyes maybe it's just older brother's love for younger sister? I wonder if he's still the old fern. Gosh, must really catch up with the guys after a level.
I added my primary school friend Caiyi on facebook. She added me first so I just accepted. Then I just left a comment on her wall asking like how are things. In fact those primary school friends that I have in my friends list, we never contact at all, well maybe other than Esther but I think this year we didn't even talk once. We've lost contact for so long that we're just as good as strangers. I just feel sad about the situation, that we just drift away and become 'hi, bye' friends. Also in school there are those acquaintances whom I barely know other than their names. When we meet along the walkway, we're suppose to greet each other, maybe just out of politeness. I find it a bother and feel awkward because I barely know the person in the first. I just don't like to act all friendly to people whom I barely know. Maybe I'm being antisocial or unfriendly but I really don't see the point in it. I don't know, I take quite a while to warm up to people and there must be a certain bond established before I can be comfortable with that person. I guess I behave this way, sort of hesitant to make friends, because I've experienced many drifted-away-friendships since when I was a kid. I studied in two different primary schools, which means I had to replace my first ever group of Singaporean friends with my new primary school friends. Then in secondary school I moved to another part of Singapore. I was alone again in a new environment and lost contact with all my new primary school friends. And they are replaced by a whole new group of secondary school friends. By then I think I've became numb and used to having friends that come and go I guess. Then now in jc, I moved from serangoon back to jurong and hardly contact my secondary school friends. The whole cycle repeat itself. Alone again in a new environment. I guess it became too much and I broke down during the orientation camp. People make fun of me about it but I guess they won't understand because they never experienced this kind of situation before and they'll never understand cuz I'm not going to explain myself. Since they're already so insensitive to laugh at it, no point wasting my breath and energy. Only Jaystine trys to defend me, she's a retainee so she probably knows a bit of how it feels. I think it's sort of a reaction from past experience to the way I make friends, sort of conditioned perhaps? Because the less friends I make, the less friendships get drifted away that way. And honestly I think it might be good. I rather have a few really close friends than a whole lot of 'hi, bye' friends.
Speaking of friendships, me and jl talked a bit at night. He was saying he's going to pon school. He was being melancholic about the jc life ending and not seeing each other again. But actually it was more about the kf problem. Seems like he still can't get over her, or maybe he doesn't want to. He told me he asked her to be together many times and got rejected everytime. If only he was that persistent in his studies. Well, I can't help him in that department. It's something that he'll just have to figure it out himself cuz no one can make him come to his senses and see the big picture other than himself.
Well, that's it for now. From now till after a level, must study hard already. Not much time left. Till then I shall keep my heart and mind vacant only for studies.
4/10

my second voice
- 6:36 PM

Been a while since I last wrote, busy studying for prelim. I've been saving up quite a bit now. I would say I'm no longer in financial deficit. Actually, due to the deficit I've gotten rid of my craving for eclipse. Ever since I had to pay off for my jersery and going buffet and stuffs with the guys, I tightened my spendings and stopped buying eclipse. It's been so long since I bought one. Maybe at least 3-4 months already and I'm no longer crazy about them. Also, I picked up saving habits. Now at the end of the night, I'll just throw whatever coins left in my wallet for the day into my saving pouch. I also make a 'compulsory' saving of $10 every week. Doing all this make me feel like a little kid again. But it's kind of rewarding I guess, when u see your savings slowly add up, knowing that you're getting richer ^^. Always thought having a bit of savings for myself is always good to prepare for situations, like u need money for emergency or your friend needs to borrow urgently or even to satisfy the sudden shopping compulses. Always good to have some spare cash. For studying for prelim and saving up to recover my financial balance, I'm going to reward myself and buy a cap that I've always wanted after prelim ^^.
Speaking for cash, was talking with tab the other day and we chatted about richness. I guess in a sense girls have it easier than guys. If they're lucky enough, they might be able to charm their way to a rich husband and struck gold and live an easy life. But hence the term gold digger. I never want to have one in my life. For guys, you'll probably have to work your ass off to be financially secure and with girls being so materialistic these days, it's hard to find a soulmate. Come to think of it, I've always suspected that Kai Si cheated on Woon Shin and got together with Xian Wen maybe partly because Xian Wen is rich so might enjoy better being with him. I don't know...it all seem wrong to me. First of all, you should never cheat, what more on your brother. Second, it just make a very bad impression on both parties. My mom always says this, you live with your pride not with your live. Anyway back to the main topic, tab was saying what her dream house will look like and stuff. I never really thought of a dream house. Hmm...maybe a house by the beach with the front view of the sea would be nice. But I think the people living in that house is more important. The people, basically your family, is what makes the house into a home. Even if you were to live in your dream house and yet when u come back from work and the thing that greets you are just walls, well I think that's just sad. Don't care about the house, all I ask is a nice family, a couple of good kids, hopefully one is a boy, and a good wife, that's all I want. But with my current 'Casanova' skills, I doubt I'll ever be able to : /
That stupid auntie still won't crack. I kept trying to squeeze something out but she just won't slip up. I feel like giving it a rest already. But it just irks me to the core when I know there something that I don't know and yet I can't find out.
28/8
So bored of studying. I guess as the exam drags on, I find it hard to keep the momentum. It's really a pain in the ass when you've to revise all over again to prepare another part of the paper. Somemore the last papers are usually p1 and it makes you want to slack even more. This is going to be a bored entry so I'm just gonna put down whatever comes to my mind. Hmm...where to start. Well, since young I've always had sinus problem. My dad took me to see a specialist once. Doc said my nose tend to be partially block often, like one air passage will be blocked, not necessarily because of mucus, like the tissue flap inside will just cover up a bit. Not serious in any way. At first it used to bother me sometimes, like maybe a placebo effect where I feel that I can't breathe fully. But I think now I'm used to already, don't even notice it at all. But I do have sensitive nose, I can't stand dust. Whenever I tried to clear old dusty stuff, never fail to sneeze. And I realize if I don't get enough sleep the day before, most likely I'll be sneezing the next day. How serious will depend on how much sleep I lack. I really hate it, u know when u feel like shit after you nose keep running like an open tap. I'll be totally screwed if that happened during a level. Speaking of sneezing, I remember a couple of weeks ago that poopy face said maybe I should use a pad to absorb my mucus -.- that girl is always full of mischievous ideas. Then something came in to my mind regarding how to wipe mucus but I didn't tell her cuz my feline senses told me death awaits. I think it was in my seconday school when my friend suggested something since he saw me keep rubbing my nose to wipe mucus. He said maybe I should use a tampon. At first I didn't know what it was so I asked him. He said it's something like pad but it's like a small rod, so I can just stuff it inside my nose. That time all the weird and wild imaginations ran through my mind, but I kept it to myself and didn't ask any further. Ok poop face, I bet you're probably laughing off your tua kacheng right now. I'm really stumped on what's the difference between pad and tampon, seems like pad is a more favourite choice. So after you've read this maybe u can enlighten me? I can't bring myself to ask u personally because it's too embarrassing and it'll probably cost me all of my remaining lives. And don't start with your pervy ideas, it's purely for the sake of knowledge. Anyway, back to the point. I think exercise helps my sinus. When I started playing rugby at the start of the year last year, the problems went away. Maybe because I'm eating and sleeping well. I remembered then I was about 72-74kg. I was aiming to hit 80kg, so I kept stuffing myself. Every break I'll try to eat. Then usually at the end of training days, when I go to bed, as soon as I hit the pillow I would just knocked out. But one really weird thing was that I started to have cramps in the middle of the night!! I would like just wake up then a few seconds later the cramps followed. It's usually my right calf. I have no idea how u can have cramps when you're asleep, when your legs are inactive. Hmm cramps...err periods. Pity girls have to endure the pain every month. Glad I'm a guy, don't have to go through all these troublesome things. Stomach aches are already hard to bear, I think cramps are not much better seeing the girls often complain about it. And speaking of which, I read somewhere that there is such a thing called male menopause but not technically so to speak. Basically for guys after their 30s, our hormone level start to decrease by 1% each year. And by the time u hit 50s, you'll have less muscle bulk and more fats. Lower sex drive and energy. So in a way you'll start to feel differently about yourself because of the gradual decrease in hormone level. Anyway, hai...I find myself weak now. My weight dropped to about 65kg. Now I feel like I have no impact. Last time when I tackle, it was hit then straightaway down. Soild contact. Now I feel like I'm bouncing around. Always ends up using my forearm strength to pull the person down, or gets deflected so end up holding onto the leg like some dog. But now with the prelim and a level comling, I guess I'll be quite inactive so probably will gain a bit of weight, which is good in away I guess. Then after exams I can fully concentrate on toning my body and turn the accumulated fats into muscle.
29/8
Found out something yesterday. Shengda and Germaine broke up. He was telling how it all happened. The trigger was that when they were out together, he found out she was msging some guy. Then he asked her who u msging. Her reply was so natural like, oh just a girl friend from secondary school, or sth like that. Well the point is she lied through her teeth. But Shengda said things were already building up for some time. Firstly, she knowingly hangs out with guys who like her, even though he already made it clear to her that he wanted the line drawn. On the other hand, according to him, there were some girls who showed interest in him. But he did not care about them and ignored them, stayed devoted to her only. Secondly, he said her pmses were pretty bad. Her mood swings can get really extreme. Like she'll just be cold or give attitude when they went out together. And she needs to be treated like a queen. Well, that's what he said. Well I think truthfulness is very important, especially in a relationship. I guess what he said is right, if now she could already lie to u just like that, next time u won't know whether which ones that she says are lies and which ones are not. Trust is very fragile, it's like a piece of paper. After you've crushed it, no matter how hard u to try to straighten it out, there'll still be creases left. Then he was complaining why he can't have a nice girl without so much trouble one. Well, it didn't work out for him because he kenw that partly he became sian of the relationship. It's like the honeymoon period was over and things start to become mundane, most probably in trying to please her I guess. Then he dug up my past again and asked about me and kf. I said nothing lor, now we don't even talk now. Then he started to lecture me. He said it didn't work out for me because I no balls. I wasn't assertive, like don't dare to hold her hand or send her home. Well, I wouldn't say it's wrong. I knew that it didn't work out because of me. She expected someone more initiative and daring I guess. But on my defence I think it's too fast and I'm afraid that she might think it's too fast too, somemore it was my first time. This kind of thing is really hard for me to make a move. Confessing to her already felt like the hardest thing. When I thought of holding her hand I thought of my sweaty palm and how rough it is, I was afraid that she'll mind. I was afraid that I'd grab her hand too hard and hurt her because she's really boney. But in the end I realize it wouldn't have worked out anyway. We aren't compatible I guess, too many differences. Yl thinks she still likes me, but I don't dare commit myself again, or to anyone else for that matter. I really don't want to go through the whole pain again in the end. But still I know that I'll have to step out again some day. Just not right now. Anyway Shengda's one lasted quite short, just a couple of months I guess. Then the rest of the guys eventually gathered and everyone else knew about it too. Then suddenly for some reason everyone turned against me and say how are things between me and hx. I was a bit shocked, firstly because I didn't know that everyone had eyes on me and her. Secondly, everyone was spreading it around and getting interested. But I told them off saying there's nothing between me and her and to stop assuming and sprouting rumors. Hmm...maybe it seems that I'm getting a bit close with hx for rumors to start popping up. It might be because I was probing her on the guy she likes. I should keep a more distance away from her from now on. Anyway I give up on trying to find out who's the guy. She just wouldn't budge and I'm tired of it.
Find myself writing too much these days. Or because there are things to write these days. Either way it keeps me away from studying without my mom realizing because it's the only thing that I can do without her finding out.
Well, today's Teacher's day was a bummer. Less than half the class came. And it was a total waste of time, doing all the stupid dancing and stuff, though it was funny to see the teachers dance. I didn't dance, totally not me. The most I did was side step left and right cuz no choice or else people will hit me. Then we went hall for giving out teachers awards. Mr Oh won the most caring teacher award. Zhen Yuan bought a cake for the teachers. Nice of him, actually he's always so nice. And the cake was cute, made like a puppy. Oh and Mdm Low brought her baby along. He was so cute trying to blow out the candle. The whole thing became as if we were celebrating his birthday. I don't know...as the years go by, I find teachers' day to be less and less fun. It all seem so routine and maybe even a bit forced nowadays. I get that kind of vibe from the teachers as well. And I miss my secondary school friends. Long time never see the gang already. Fern called me to meet up but it's so far for me to go and my mom wants me to stay at home. Guess have to wait till after a level to catch up with them. I wonder how are fern, Peter, Joseph and Arun are doing.
Tab is organising class outing after prelim on Friday. But I'm not sure whether I can go cuz I might have tution on that day. But I really want to go out. Want to buy the cap, go swim, play putting at Eugene's house.
31/8

my second voice
- 12:26 PM

Got back PR2 yesterday. My ranking point was only 41, and it's all thanks to the pw grade, else it'll be a lot lower. But the consolation was that I did passed chem after all, even though just barely. Think they rounded up my marks. Anyway nowadays I feel the urge to swim, it's good cardio workout. Improves your breathing and u don't feel the sweat sticking to your body. It literally tones your whole body. Last week, yl and I went to Eugene's house to supposedly study and swim, but end up I didn't even touch the notes that I brought to study. Anyway that stupid yl came late. He told me he fell asleep again. So Eugene and I went to the coffee shop and waited for yl. We started talking and I asked him about li yi. As usually he tried to avoid the question but he eventually told me. He said she was not interested, like he asked her out a few times and she kept saying busy, and when she eventually agreed it felt kinda forced so he didn't bother already. Then he turned the table and asked me about hx cuz he said we seem close. I told him there's nothing between us and that in fact she gives me the weird vibes. He was like, 'Yeah yeah!! I was trying to describe and that excatly hit the spot.' Seriously I don't like her character. She got like split personality and is self-centered. She has this facade to make friends so that she can make use of them for her interests later on. Anyway we reached Eugene's condo and we swam 10 laps. At first I wanted to swim 20 then go study while they go play tennis but they kept asking me to join them. In the end I gave in, felt so guilty afterwards, didn't even study. I picked up butterfly stroke that day but needs some polishing. I vaguely remembered when I was a kid I was half way through learning butterfly style but for some reason I stopped. I think butterfly is the nicest style. It's fast, graceful and aggressive, though yl and Eugene say mine looked violent :s

I feel so restricted nowadays. My mom just expects me to be couped up in my room and study all day long. Can't step out of the house without her ranting her usual chants. To put it metaphorically, my ears get fucked by her nagging all the time. I want to play golf. I want to play rugby. I still want to learn to play piano and drum, even though I'm musically retarded. I want to go play LAN. I want to start working and earn my keep and be independent. I want to train my body. I want to go Maldives for a holiday. Keep thinking about what my future holds. Maybe I'll work my ass off to start my own business, get married, have a son, little win :) raise him up properly to be a good person. Teach him sports, let him play rugby. Doesn't matter if he breaks a bone or two, as long as he's not a wuss and he enjoys it. Haha, thinking too much again. Prelim is coming, stressed again :(

31/7

Sheng Da arranged a rugby league match between the juniors and the seniors tomorrow. Looking forward to it. I want to test out the juniors, see how well they're doing and progressing. See whether got potential to retain the plates next year. I'm not going to go all out, and I think none of the seniors would too. We wouldn't want to end their season career prematurely nor our a level career. It'll just be a match to settle a bit of rugby hunger for the seniors to last till end of a level and self-assessment for the juniors, gauge their own playing standard for now. Quite excited. Can't wait to see how some of the potential players perform, like Darren, Ahmad, Wayne, Kaihirul (don't really know the spelling), Patrick and the rest. Oh and especially that Robert. He's got a hell lot of ego, keeping trying to show off his body even though he has nothing to show off about. Then kept taunting me that he'll own me when we play. So I'll just go a liiiittle bit harder on him. Just to help him keep his ego in check. But I'm surprised that fatty lee is going to play. I thought Germaine won't allow him to. I'm really worried about his knee.

Hmm...I don't know whether vjay and Bryan will use the pair of gloves that I passed down to them. It was supposedly my 'Glove of Death', named after the deadliness of its smell. It's due to the accumulation of sweat from the teammates and from all those that I played with. After a couple months of fermentation, it had this incomparable stench. Just a wiff of it is enough to shock your senses. Pity I wasn't able to deploy it. It was a double edged sword, it became ineffective when it affects your team as well. The foulness was unbearable for everyone. Haha, I still remember the reactions of tab and serene, supposedly the two smart aleck of the class, after they smelled the gloves. Tab was tricked by me :) I tricked her that it was washed and smelled nice, pretending to take a deep breath out of it just to reassure her. But in actual fact, I opened my mouth to make that sucking noise which deceived tab that I was taking a deep breath. She fell for it and took a whiff. Her reaction that followed was hilarious. Her face was all winced up, like she'd been hit by poop (hahahahahahahha, poopy face ^^). I wonder which was is in fact worse, being hit by poop or smelling my gloves? For serene's case it was just out curiosity. She knew it was smelly, but she didn't realise it was THAT smelly. At first she was trying to bring out the smell from the pouch, like trying the smell wine. When she couldn't smell it, she put in her nose a bit and almost immediately she flung away the pouch, it was like a reflex action. Like when u hand touches something very hot, you'll automatically pull your hand away. She was like, 'OMG!! IT'S FUCKING SMELLY!!! What u do with it?' Haha, I'm sure it's the most disgusting stench that they've ever sniffed.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be fit enough for tomorrow's game. I hope I won't start panting like dog very fast into the game. As usual I don't think I'll sleep well tonight, will end up thinking how to to play tomorrow : /

2/8

Too tired and sick to write about the other day. Anyway, the game was fun. Though at first I thought we would have little time to play since Mr Sufian came down only at 5.30, but 1 hour was all we could manage. At the end we were all shagged out. Well, the j1s still lack the experience and some still lack balls. But I must say that they have huge potential. The forwards were solid in terms of physique. They have the size to dominate. They'll make a fine pack next year. As for backline, couldn't really tell since we played rugby league and there were no actual plays involved. But Patrick was particularly outstanding. The rumors were true, he could run and sidestep with ease. Confirm in the first team next year if he *touch wood* doesn't get seriously injured just before the season. I truely believe that they could challenge for the top 4 next year and surpass us. Well us, the seniors, tried to relive the glory by scoring tries easily.And we were reminded again that you don't play rugby to get fit, but u get fit to play rugby. But we've become people of the past. Gosh I feel so old and melancholic saying it, but it's true. The focus is on the j1s now and rightfully so. All we seniors can do is to give them moral support to push themselves and surpass us. Honestly, I think they'll give us a good trashing during the testimonial match after a levels. But it's ok, if they've really reached that far they deserve it, although it'll be very sucky for us to be the first batch to be beaten by the juniors : /

I've been sickly these couple of weeks. My nose keep running off like a broken tap and keep sneezing, as tab puts it like there is an automated pepper spray spraying into my face at regular intervals. And the class will always give me that look. I really hate the weather nowadays. It's either too hot and dry or too wet and cold. Or is it because my sinus problem is coming back due to lack of exercise.

5/8

Fought with my mom yesterday. She's like a slave driver, expects me to study all the time. The day before, I studied from 7 to 12.30 and after lunch I went to sleep till 2.30. And she made noise for that. I studied till 5.30 then watched tv till dinner time and went back to study again at 7.30. Then at 9 I stopped to warch tv and all the spraying began. Sh just went on and on and on. I watched the time. She nagged at me for about 50 minutes straight. She just wouldn't stop!! All the while I kept quiet. She thinks I don't put in enough effort and my study hours are still so short. So yesterday I showed her what really is no effort. I didn't study for the whole day just to despise her. At first I wanted to leave the house and go off to the beach or sth, just to escape her noise. She went all teary and the usual thing happened. She said she's not gonna nag anymore and only talk to me when necessary. Then she went out after that. We've had this kind of sessions so many times. But she still went back to her old habits soon after. So, I don't know how long this peace and quiet will last.

I feel so lost nowadays. Lack of motivation. Nowadays I feel like I'm not studying for the sake of my future. My parents give me so much pressure, constant nagging and reminders. Feels like I'm an investment, actually I am, they're so afraid that they won't get their returns and unable to brag or compete with other parents' children. I know their anxiety. For such a screwed up family with screwed up family bonding, screwed up spouse relationship, screwed up brothers, I stood out to be the promising one. The one that can be used to prove to everyone that they aren't such failed parents after all, that at least they can raise one proper son. This burden, sometimes I just feel like giving all up. I'm going into depression mode again. I feel so lost now that sometimes I just sit there staring at nothing, just letting time rot away. Totally no motivation to do anything. Heh, feels like that kf incident again. At first I thought I'd study hard cuz that's the only way we could be together, but now...whom do I strive for? I can't think of myself now cuz all I'll think about is escaping from this world. Maybe it's because I'm not rooted to my religion, or any religion for that matter. That's why I feel so lost and lack the preserverance. There's nothing for me to hold on to. Like at least Christians they pray to find strength, and like any other religion, there's at least something or someone to fall back on when everything seems to be tumbling down for you. I don't have any specific beliefs but now I pray to whoever or whatever that's out there, please lend me the strength to preservere, help me find the motivation to stay true to my goal and the courage to rise above all this. I make this prayer for everyone else too.

9/8

I'm pushed to take tution for the 3 H2 subjects. For math and physics, the tutor is my o level tutor. For chemistry is a lady that he recommended. I don't like the notion of taking tution at jc level, but it had come down to this since my results prove to be too sucky. Maybe with taking tution, I'll be kept busy doing work and my mom will have no reason to nag at me.

Well, I've been doing some cover work regarding hx for awhile now. She told me she likes some guy in jj but don't want to tell me or anyone else. I said it's ok, I won't force. But I'm super curious. What kind of guy would an auntie like her like? So I kept asking questions around the bush about the guy, hoping she'll slip up. But her lips are pretty tight. She keeps avoiding questions that will reveal too much. Never giving any discriptions. Always trying to ignore me whenever I try to ask questions about the guy. But all my efforts didn't go to waste. I manage to squeeze some things out of her. She said she didn't talk to him for quite long already, but don't want to say how long. She said one time that she thought they had mutual something...I couldn't make out what she said cuz half the time she mumbles, and she don't want to repeat. Then she thinks he don't like her and feels that he's trying to avoid her. But she said she's not going to approach him. I pulled all sorts of tricks but she's one tough nut to crack. Maybe I've missed out some of the important hints she gave. Well then can't blame her cuz I really suck at picking up hints. Girls are so complicated. I have a hunch, cuz she keeps drawing wu gui on my papers ever since I started probing around. Well the only logical relation that I can think of is wu gui = slow, maybe she's hinting that I'm slow at finding out who the guy is? Well it's just a hunch. I shall consult this with tab on how to make her spill it all out. I'm sure that poopy face has some tricks up her sleeves that might work.

12/8

The study break was boring as hell. It would have been worse if I didn't need to go for physics consultation. I hate being couped up at home. I've been wanting to buy this cap for quite a while now. It kept slipping through my mind but it came back when I was stoning sometimes during these few days. I don't know what it's called. It's those street gangsters wore during the 50's and 60's like in the Godfather. It's a cap where the front part of the cap overlaps the shade cover of the cap. I decided to get it after prelim. Maybe go town, that way got more choices and variety. Was texting with tab the other day and we ended up stumbling upon her so called 'animal farming' topic. That poopy face, always full of witty ideas. Invented a whole new relation of juggling and cracked balls. It just somehow brought back those painful memories. It's like a scar, a constant reminder of the pain felt that cannot be removed. If I ever fall for someone else again, I'd be a hell lot more hesitant than I was with kf. Totally lose confidence just by thinking back. And the fear of history repeating itself, the thought of going through the whole nightmare again, it'll be better off for me not to start a relationship in the first place. Fuck it's getting me down again. Ok ok, move on to something else. I think tomorrow's gp paper will have something about the topic on sports. Speaking of which, S'pore medal tally is at the bottom so far according to the newspaper. Honestly, S'pore is definitely not a country that you'll see exceptional athletes coming out. I think the whole government system just dampens aspirations. It puts too much emphasis on academic as the road to success, so much so that parents are drilled into this mindset that paper qualification is priority. I mean I can understand some of the reasons for the parents to be so hesitant. Like is a heavy and risky investment for the child, an injury might put a premature end to the child's sporting career. Asian athelets are really disadvantage compared to the Europeans due to the sheer difference in size. But I just think that investing in a sporting career is just as risky as an academic career. The child might be intellectually smart but not academically. And from my own experience, studying is definitely not an enjoyable experience, due to the sheer stress of tests and exams, as compared to training a sport that you love, even though it's intense and physically demanding. And size is not the determining factor for most sports I will say. No one can be big and fast at the same time. Well even for those parents who are daring and supportive enough for allow the child to follow his or her dreams, the most they can do is send them to sports school. And that's the root of the problem why S'pore is not achieving the medals even with the huge amount of investment put it. The fact that it's a school means you'll still have to study and go through the normal school curriculum of preparing for test and exams. As compared to other countries where the young athletes totally do away with books and just keep training every moment that they're awake, staying focused, putting in 100%. I mean what's the point of being Jack of all trades but master of none. Trying to achieve things at opposite poles will end up with u going nowhere. You'll just be stuck in the middle, neither here nor there. If S'pore athletes won medals, will porbably be more because of talent than hardwork. I don't think S'pore lacks talents. I think the mindset of the government and parents is what stifles these talents. Because at international levels, the athletes are more or less talented bunch of people. The win will probably be due to the small difference in talent, reinforced by the difference in the no. of training hours put in. With the whole hoo hah about yog, it's quite likely that the paper will concern sports. Hope it'll be some other teacher marking our paper, someone more rational and less picky.

18/8

my second voice
- 12:50 PM

The sentosa outing was great. More than half the class went. We soaked in the sun and swam in the sea. We played ball and just chilled basically. Tab came later in the evening cuz her mom wanted her to study earlier on in the day. It was damn funny when she went inside the water and her shorts bubbled up. It seemed like she had a HUGE ass. I teased her about how she is really getting fat with that huge bum. I will never let that bimbo auntie hui xian to buy stuff. She just chucked chips inside the shopping basket and I ended up wasting money. I had to bring home a few packets cuz no one could finish. After that we went to Thai express for dinner. Actually no one wanted to go there but Jian lin kept sao jiao-ing. The food there was total rip off please. I had to pay $10 for one small plate of beef kuay teow, where I could get it at a kopitiam at less than half price. Oh, tab wore new funky earrings too. It was a long a shiny one, the funkiest one I've seen her wear so far. I kept pestering to shake her head to see the 'dangliness' of it. It was fun watching her say no with her head shaking, without her realising she's actually shaking her head. Then we went home riding the mrt, with a bit of camwhoring along the way. Had one of tab's classic constipated face captured on the phone. Finally, I'm no longer an epic fail organizer.
After a few days, my whole body had the skin peeling off. It was quite a new experience. I've never experienced so much peeling beofore. On the bright side, my body now has a nicer tan. It used to be that my upper body had different colour tones but now it's more even.
Chatted with tab throughout the whole holiday and sometimes a bit with hx. It's really fun and interesting to chat with tab, though she often complains about how bad her mom and her siblings are but I don't mind, I can relate to it sometimes and besides I owe it to her for letting me confide in her about kf. We talked about things like period and menopause to having a family and stuffs. We'd just debate about different perspectives and tease each other along the way.
I've been studying quite a bit during this holiday, especially for chem. I hope it'll reflect on my results for this common test. A few days ago I dreamed about kf. It was sort of a bad dream. I don't really think of her nowadays and yet she still pops up in my dream. I don't know how to take it. Is it suppose to be a sign or an omen of some sort? Hai...I'm pathetic.
25/6
Finally chem is over! I hope I don't screw it up badly. I think the paper is manageable but I don't dare hope for anything for now. Talked with Robert a couple of days ago. He had a past experience too. He cheated on his gf and now he's regretting. It's been already more than two months after he broke up with her and now he wants to patch things up again, but he just doesn't know how to start. I told him what I feel about it. Is that you should just go for it and just give it a try because u have nothing to lose and if you really want it. Things would have already calmed down by now too. Then he told me things like what they did when they're together and how he cheated kisses from her. It struck me that I was a total failure. There were many things that I could've done to not let kf feel that I was a lousy bf. Robert told me that he got like 3000+ msgs over the course of 3 months relationship with her. That's like an average of 1000 msgs a month, which means at least 250 msgs a week. I think during the one week when we were together, I msged her like less than 20 times. Then again I now know that it wouldn't have work out in the end so doesn't really matter.
29/6
Common test is over! Physics was actually easy, just that I didn't study for it. After the test some of us went to play pool; me, tab, Jaystine, yl, kf, Zhen yuan, guan ting. Jaystine is really good but not surprising since she got that ah lian look. After pool, we hanged around in the shopping center cuz it was pouring outside. We went to this pet shop and looked at all the furry animals. They've got rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters. They're all so cute. I'll get one when I'm living alone. Then the rain didn't stop so tab's mother decided to pick her up and at the same time send us to mrt. Now I know where tab got her genes from. She really takes after her mom. They were both shooting at each other in the car. Didn't really noticed it until Zhen yuan brought it up. On the way home, we parted ways at je mrt and I ended up with kf. It was a really awkward situation. Both of us didn't talk at all. On my part, I didn't even try to talk to her. I chose not to. Looks like both of us are just used to the silence and distance between us. When the train reached the station I just said bye to her and got off. I feel like there is really nothing for us to talk anymore.
2/7
Went to school to play touch on Saturday. There were only seniors, all the j2s didn't come down so I was a bit left out. And plus the pouring rain didn't help at all. I ended up playing for like an hour becuase I had to rush down to meet hx. That auntie super fail, ended up yl and Nwe Nwe coming late. Plus she got really angry for me not knowing my place around. Must have been pms. Seriously that incident gave me the creeps again. It's like her character totally changed. Not the usual soft spoken, blur hx and I'm really scared of such people. It's very hard to predict and react to it. Anyway, we stayed at kbox till like 6+ and sang throughout. I didn't really sing much, it was usually hx holding one of the mics and the rest of us took turns when it's the song that we like. They kept making fun of the way I sang. Said like it's very low and monotone. Can't help it, anyway I did tell them from the start that my singing was good. That outing burnt a hole in my wallet. Plus I bought a new ear piece. It's good warranty so I can rest my mind for the next 2 years. Then we ended up eating carl's jr.
5/7
Got back some of the common test marks today. Did badly for my gp, but it's same for everyone else. Even tab failed, the supposedly most profecient one in english in the class. Then got C for Econ and E for math. I could accept the marks for Econ since I didn't finish on time and rushed the 2nd essay. But for math I thought I would do better. Must have been a lot of careless mistakes. But poor Nwe Nwe, her spirit really went down. She barely just passed. She said she studied for it. And somemore people whom she thought won't do well actually did a lot better than her, like Eugene, kf and jl. But she's most particular about jl. She said he affected her badly. She wanted to tell me about it at first then decided not to. Actually I'm quite surprised too. When everyone asked jl whether he has started revising for common test, he kept saying no and things like no mood. I even tried to talk sense into him thinking that he hasn't gotten over kf. Looks like he had everyone fooled, including me. He did well for math. Got B for it and think same for econs too. This is really worrying. I'm starting to think jl is a hypocrite, the type that make people let down their guards and then step over them. He succeeded this time round. Honestly, math is not something that u can smoke through and score, u have to have enough practice for it. Which obviously tells us that he actually had been studying for it, unlike what he had made us believe. It just make me feel like a stupid, worrying over him for nothing.
7/7
Been a long time since I wrote. Got a lot of school work, can't really find the time to reflect. Hmm...where to start. Well, I did badly for my CT. Failed chem, physics and gp. Stillmust work harder. When school reopened, there was this incident where jl randomly said that he miss tab. Then from there I kept teasing her about how maybe jl likes her. Then I asked her how she'll rate him as, and it was somewhere between an ikan bilis and a trout. So I suggest eel and it sort of become a code name. Anyway it went on for like a week, where I kept teasing her about it, trying to create scenarios and getting her paranoid. And she'd always make that face. I had my doubts about the whole thing because it seemed quite far fetched for the jl to like her and tab was hell bent on rejecting him straight. But I didn't probe around since I don't want to kay poh and it was fun teasing tab. Then that week when we got back our math results Nwe Nwe was quite upset. She wanted to tell me sth but later decided not to. She just mentioned that jl did sth that affected her that's why her math result was bad. Then at the end of the week when I asked her, she told me that jl confessed to her. But somehow it seemed that jl got the wrong idea from her reply and she felt bad and was afffected by it. Then coincidently, tab told me the next day that she know eel doesn't like her. Then she blew her top thinking I'm some sadist trying to use her for my own amusement by letting it go on when I knew that jl doesn't like her. But in actual case I, myself, only confirmed about it the day the before from Nwe Nwe. Luckily, she managed to calm her self down. That stupid girl, made me feel so gulity about it. Haha, but I didn't know I had such a brainwashing effect on her :) Anyway, I coined a new name for the constipated face that tab likes to make- poopy face. Cute name and somehow got link. We argued about the name and serene unintentionally said it's the face that you wouldn't make but in your mind instead, and needless to say it made me the winner of the argument. So the name stands and I've been calling her by that oftenly and she'll always make that little face of hers.
Ms Kim came to jj the other day. She was trying to promote her muffins. She just set up a bakery shop recently and now she's trying to get some customers. I bought her muffins and tried them. Not bad, I especially like the orange white choc flavour. The taste is mild but the smell and taste had a lingering effect. Well, tab has been practicing really hard for some big musical contest or sth. It must be a really huge event since tab told me that u have to go for an audition for the audition, personally I think it's just absurd. But it seems really important to her. Whenever there's a break, she'll just try to go practice in one of the lts. Sometimes she even skip eating just to squeeze in some practice time. It'll be a shame if she didn't get selected.
24/7
Tab told me there was a bit of cock up in the submission of her piano video. She didn't have the perfect performance that she wanted to have. She was also discouraged after she saw the past year submissions where some of the contestants were young kids. She felt like she didn't stand a chance. I tried to console and cheer her up but I think it didn't really work. If I were in her shoe, I'll feel very sucky too, realizing that even after so much hardwork has been put in, there are still a lot more people who are much better and talented than me, no amount of consoling will work. It's always a struggle, be it to become a muscian or athlete. Well there's nothing I can do for her anyway : /
Been thinking about it now, ever since after I've talked with dad. I thought of a rough plan on what I want to do for my future, at least like 10 years down the road. I'll get my ass into uni, hopefully to mechanical engineering course. After that get a job and save up for like 10 years then set up my own company. The best way to be rich and live comfortable are you reture is to be your own boss. You'll never get anywhere if you're just a salaryman. Besides if I need advice on how to be a businessman, I've got my dad who's good at that. He can give me a lot of advices.
25/7

my second voice
- 6:26 PM