It's been more than a month since I last blogged. Been dying to let it out, but my mom has been watching me like a hawk. Now I can hardly touch my com. Well, so many things have happened for the past month and it'll take some time for me to recall them back. I hope you're happy that I finally updated my blog Ben Ben :)
First, my dad came to S'pore and made me quit rugby. He talked with Mr Oh and arranged me to take up golf again as external CCA. Well, I figured this sort of thing will happen to eventually. Why do things happen the way they are not supposed to? I wasn't suppose to come JJ, I wasn't suppose to join rugby, I wasn't suppose develop feelings for.....well that's another story. It's that small glimpse of hope, that human nature of ours to hold on to something which you know you can't have. At first I liked rugby because of the company. The J2 ruggers were the ones who talked to me and made me feel welcome when I first arrived at JJ. I still remember that I'm the only one here from my secondary school with no one to talk to, going from lecture to lecture sitting alone. Rugby made me feel less lonely, the time that I've spent on it and the pain I got from it sort of distracted me from thinking of stupid things and that someone. But then slowly I fell in love with the game. But now I've become a disappointment. I'm a pathetic loser, a hypocrite, who don't deserve any sympathy.
It was my choice to quit because it is the only logical choice I had. I can no longer stand the nagging and quarrellings with my parents everyday. As the last hopeful son, it's my duty to follow my parents wishes. Maybe my principles are too strong, or I'm being too filial, or its the masochism in me. During the college day, Ms Kim talked to me. I still remember that one question she asked me; 'Where's your heart?' The answer was obvious but I couldn't say out the answer, because I broke down. I love rugby, it might have been a mistake but I still love it.
I know I'm suffering from depression. Have been losing my appetite and I lost a lot of weight. Every since secondary school, my weight has never not dropped below 70kg. Now I'm 67kg from the last time I weighed, a couple of weeks ago. Every time I come home, I feel very tired even though there wasn't any PE on that day. It's like every time I reach home my heart feels heavy and the sight of my mom robs off all my energy. I'm having trouble sleeping too. Sometimes I can't fall asleep even after I've went to bed after some time. Would stare at the ceiling and keep thinking of miserable and stupid thoughts. Closing my eyes doesn't help at all, it made me feel worse. It visualise my thoughts. Honestly there were close calls, but every time I reasoned myself not to do it. But it seems my reasonings are getting weaker. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I'm an emotional wreck now. Christopher told me a few days ago that 'you're dead inside'. He's totally right.
Dad's coming to S'pore again on the 11th. Have to act like I'm all okay.
8/8/09
my second voice
- 1:35 PM