Really bored to death staying at home. And to make things worse, dad's coming on Thursday. Which means I'll be stuck staying at home battling it out with him. I really don't know what's the outcome going to be. Hai, if only I knew things will turn out like this. I wanted to go to the Macau trip but then I thought there's rugby camp during the June holiday and there's the testimonial match to train for. Well, it's sort funny that my situation has became like this. Not only no rugby camp, had to quit rugby, everyday staying at home rotting. Things don't really go according to what you expect most of the times. I can't believe I'm saying this but I hate holidays. Have to be stuck in this prison. Have I become clingy to my friends? I don't know. There's this empty feeling. Without rugby, I've lost like a part of my life.
Well, it's a good thing that the tests are now postponed. But I hope the teachers won't add in extra topics because of it. My revisions are on schedule, but didn't touch chinese. If I remember correctly there's jian bao, filing and read the storybook to prepare for the test. Haha, see how lor. Actually I haven't updated any of my files yet :/ Never liked updating files. Tomorrow going to Jurong East library to study with esther. Haven't talked to her for quite awhile.
Well, I've decided to play for testimonial. I don't care the consequences. I don't care how my mom's going to complain about it to my dad. I'll be more than happy if I were to break something. At least then I can go off with a proper excuse. It's the swansong match for the J2s and propably might be for me too. Gona play my heart out. Well that's all for now. Night.
(24/6/09)
my second voice
- 12:31 AM
Been stuck at home everyday since Tuesday, doing a bit of studying. I'm going out of my mind from this. Dying to go out for a change of environment. Really miss hanging out with guys, eating together after training and talking cock. But can't seem to get anyone to go out with me :/ Well not everyone is so free like me right?
Anyway, all the staying at home and listening to music made me realise that my playlist are full of emo songs. Full of break-up, death, lonely, rejection, sad songs. (Btw not all are jay chou songs) But I can somehow relate to those songs very well, and it make me feel a bit emotional. But hey, this shows that I'm still alive right? Since young, I've been very emotional. It doesn't take much of my second brother to make me shed tears. If I didn't get what I want or get disapporved of, all he has to say was "Oh, gona cry gona cry" and then soon after I'll burst into tears. No matter how hard I try to hold my tears and not give him the satisfaction, I'll still end up crying in the end. Till now I cry easily though I've become immune from my brother's teasing. And everytime I cry, I feel like a wimp. So, there you go, now you know one of my weakness is being a bit emotional.
Ok, enough revaling a little about myself. Back to what I want to say. Ah yes, I got addicted to the song Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day. Kept listening to it all day. Sad but nice song anyway. Oh and one last thing. Dad's coming to S'pore soon to sort things out with me. It's gona be a showdown. I swear he'll regret it if he tries to force me.
Hm...thinking of getting an iPod. Better to go deaf than go insane. Night.
(21/06/09)
my second voice
- 12:17 AM
Haven't touched this blog for a few days now. Didn't really have the mood. Let me recall the pass few days...
Nothing much to say really. Staying at home, stuck inside my room, trying to force myself to study. Quarrelling with my parents here and there. Oh, went to watch Taking of Pelhem 123 with serene, hui xian and zhen yuan at JP on Monday. Ben overslept so didn't make it. After that we went kopitiam to eat a bit. Then we parted. The girls went home and zhen yuan and I went to the library to study.
Talked with my dad yesterday. I asked him whether if I could join back rugby. He said we'll discuss about this after the test. Maybe if I can get good enough grades to throw it in his face, there might be hope for me. That's the motivation for me to study now.
Well, at least something happened today to make me feel better. I recovered one of my favourite songs by Green day - Jesus of Suburbia. Was looking at serene's facebook note when this song popped up as one of her answers. This song was at the back of my head. My brother bought the album and I think it was stored inside my com. But I think i reformatted my com later on and the song was lost from then on. Today then I re-downloaded the song and listened to it. Awesome song. I let it repeat for the whole day. It's probably the most epic Green Day song. For those who can't appreciate the lyrics, it's about a poor lonely soul who called himself "Jesus of Suburbia". His life is screwed up and so is the city he's living in. He feels that he's not living his life but just merely existing. In the end, he leaves the forsaken city to start a new life. I especially like the ending (there are five parts in that song) where he runs away to start a new life. It gives you that feeling of sudden courage to do what you want and the feeling of being set free.
Well, that's it for today. Oh, almost forgot. Thanks to all those who tried to cheer me up. I'm sorry if my misery had passed on to you. But I'm all better now. Thanks all. Well, the night is not young anymore. Night.
my second voice
- 12:49 AM
Went to school today with a heavy heart. I told sheng da that I'm leaving the team. Told them I have no choice. But they think that it's just a normal conflict between me and my parents and that they'll try to find a way to bring me back somehow. But I doubt they'll succeed. They don't know my parents, my situation. I'm their last hope. Their last hope to comfort themselves that at least they can bring up a son properly and that they are decent parents. For that they'll do everything they can to make me stay on the track that they have planned. Anything that they think is hindering my progress must be blocked from me. I'm like water in their hands. After all this, I just hope that they'll bother me less from now on.
Went back home later and forced myself to study although I totally have no mood. The whole day was a torture.
I'm sorry that I quit on you guys. Please forgive me. It pains me to leave you guys too. But I promise, if I can't join rugby I won't join any other CCA. That's the least I can do.
Right now, I really can't appreciate my life. I feel like going off to somewhere far away, away from feeling this suffering. I know, I'll go ECP tommorw. Pray that it won't rain though. Gonna cry myself to sleep again. Night.
14/6/09
my second voice
- 12:28 AM
Today is agruably the saddest day of my life. But let me recall on the class outing first.
Yesterday bbq at ECP was good. Had some quiet time for myself. It was really hot when we reached there at first. But as the sun starts to set, it became cooler. I sat at the bank the whole time, enjoying the sea breeze and the sound of the waves. The sky was clear with some beautiful clouds. It was really realxing. It's been a long time since I had this kind of experience. Sat there until there was totally no sunlight, then went back to the pit for some food. Before going home, went to the bank again. It was totally different but equally if not more enjoyable. Totally dark. Very cooling. The sky was littered with stars. Then there was the occasional airplanes flying by, and their lights blinking. And the lights from the ships at the horizon were like beautiful lanterns floating around. But all good things must come to an end, had to go home soon after. Definitely gona try it again when I go to ECP again.
Now the misery. I finally gave in to my dad and agreed to quit rugby. I don't want to keep fighting with my parents anymore. And it's for the sake of the team also. If I don't quit, he'll go to the teachers and the principal and start creating a storm. It'll blow up the matter and ruin the team. I don't want that. Totally miserable the whole day. Played games but didn't seem to help much. There's this sinking feeling all the time. I feel like I've let down the team. People around me are expecting me to contribute, but now I'm gona quit on them. The team now has barely enough people for a team and here I am making matters worse. And then there's the testimonial.
I'm really sorry lucas and javier. Please train hard for me brothers. Don't follow me and quit on the team too. It'll only make matters worse. I'll be with you guys mentally even though I will not be present during training. I never regretted joining rugby. The seniors made me feel welcomed and the team is a bunch of fun people. Everyday I looked forward to the coming training. Those were the times when I really felt free.
Well, gona return the shutter keys to sheng da tomorrow and somehow break the news to him. I hope I don't break down. Telling him the news already feels like a death sentence to me. I don't know how I'm gona survive the rest of the years, where wherever I look there will be a disappointed face in return. I'm too ashame to face them. I deserve to be condemn.
Time to go to sleep but I doubt I will. I'll just have to cry myself to sleep. Last One Cheer for old times sake. Train hard and bring glory guys. COUGARS!!! ROAR!!! COUGARS!!! ROAR!!! COUGARS!!! ROAR!!!
my second voice
- 11:52 PM
Mom didn't bother me at all today. Maybe it's because I told her to talk to me only when it's really necessary during our arguement yesterday. I really can't believe a mother and a son will reach this kind of stage. It's really heartbreaking for both of us. It's true that we always hurt the ones we love. But this might be for our own good and I hope time will heal us. E-mailed to my dad today. Told him to stop forcing me into his ways. Asked him to take a step back and give me some space. I really don't know whether things will get better or worse from this point on. I can only hope and pray.
Didn't wrote yesterday so there are things to catch up on. First, want to thank the class for their well wishes on the ball. Really appreciate serene for getting the ball although it was really long overdue(I'm not complaining btw so don't get mad if you read this). Have to hand it to her, she's the sai kang warrior of the class. Organised birthdays, outings and this coming bbq also. Really appreciate her for bringing the class together. Best director ever >) ( again don't let this get over your head if you read this). Oh, and also had another psychological attack from "you-know-who" with his "you-know-what" comment. I don't know why that "you-know-who" always make those "you-know-what" comments only to me :s Minimum contact, wait no, should be zero contact. ZERO CONTACT AND MAXIMUM DISTANCE is the best option for me now.
Had PT training today. Usual stuff - 5km and gym. But the attendance was really depressing. Less than 10 were present. I hope everyone will bring their asses down for this Friday or Saturday training so we can do line-out, scrums and team runs. Testimonial match is on the 27th and there is only 5 proper training days left. Have to put up a good fight against the seniors. Wonder how g.o.d's tackle will feel like ^^. Suppose to go for a movie with peter and the guys but was cancelled at last minute because some couldn't make it :/ Went to JP for lunch with sheng da, xian wen and javier. Came back home to sleep then woke up to do organic chemistry tutorial (IL) and study chem equilibrium for the test tomorrow. Really look forward to the ECP bbq/class outing tomorrow. The night will probably still be young for me tomorrow >D. Gotta go sleep now, tomorrow got chem lesson at 9. Night.
11/6/09
my second voice
- 11:29 PM
On the brink of being selfish. Losing hope and strength. I'll treasure each day as if my last from now on.
9/6/09
my second voice
- 11:39 PM
Today's training was less fun. Miss javier and lucas :/ Hope lucas is coping well with his loss. Thumb gave me problems during training today. Couldn't catch even some of the simplest balls and make some knock-on(s) :s Think still need a couple more days for it to heal fully. And i need to be more mentally strong. Had the idea of slacking off nearing the end of training when the sun was burning hot.
Waited for ben the whole afternoon for him to collect his stuff and then thought of studying together later. But he couldn't come at the last minute. In the end, i just lazed around in school till evening. Didn't feel like studying alone and no mood as well. Things that have happend in the past few days made me frustrated and can't seem to brush them off my mind. It even affected me during training. I stoned there twice, thinking about them.
Talked with my dad later in the night. Things seem to be a little bit better. I think i made my point to him. But mom's constant nagging continues. Can't stand it.
Can't wait for wed to watch movie with peter, fern and joseph and maybe somemore other classmates, and also the bbq on thursday at east coast. >D Hope all these outings will lift my mood. Oh, almost forgot, i'm gald yang jun and the girls had fun at escape today. Physics lesson at 9 tomorrow so gotta go sleep now. Night.
9/6/09
my second voice
- 12:02 AM
Hmm...today was a quite slacky day. Didn't do any work again. Played dota and tweaked this blog the whole afternoon. Went to JP in the evening to get a few stuffs. Oh, in the evening i received msg from lucas that his grandpa passed away. Sent him my condolences. I've never experience losing any of my relatives. I fear for that day, but it also make me reflect about life. Whatever we do and acheived in life, will lose all of its values when we leave this world. Then why strive for them in the first place? Well, i feel that it's the experience, that sentimental value. When you're lying in your death bed and think back of your journey thus far; the happy and sad times, your accomplishments and failures, and how you've become the person you are now, will make you feel that you've lived your life fruitfully, and this will set you free.
Thumb is a lot better now, no longer puffy and swollen. But it's still blue-black and a bit pain. Don't really think it'll heal fully by tomorrow. And lucas and javier are not going training tomorrow. Training will definitely become a little less fun without them :/ And i'm sorry that i can't go escape with xui jin and pei ling they all. I feel bad rejecting them. I'll make up for it when another opportunity arise. Hope they have fun tomorrow >)
I'm glad i started writing on this blog. Take things off my chest. Words are my voice, they help me say things which i can't speak out. Well, that's all i have to say for now. Night.
8/6/09
my second voice
- 12:08 AM
Sighhh...today was one of those really bad days. Talked with my dad twice today and both times we got into heated arguement. He wants me to come back home to settle the 'problem' that i'm having. In fact, it's not me who's having the problem. It's him. He has the constant need to control and have his hands on everything. Why can't he understand that i just want to be left alone. I'm tired of this. Tired of explaining all the time. Tired of meeting expectations. Tired of being an 'investment'. Tired of being shadowed and caged by my brothers' incompetence. Tired of my life. Sometimes i wish i could put an end to all this, but ppl around me are pulling me back. I can't bear to refelct my pain upon them. It'll be selfish of me. I'd rather make myself suffer than make those around me suffer. Well that's my life, live with it. Gotta stay strong. Can't be a hypocrite.
That's it for today. I hope i'll be better when i wake up again. Oh, and also hope that my thumb will heal by Monday. Night.
(7/5/09)
my second voice
- 11:14 PM
Welcome to my blog :) i've just created it so it's not finish yet. Gonna take me a couple more days to finish it so ppl please bear with it.
Ok, reflecting of things today, wait yesterday, no i'll still say it as today cuz i haven't sleep yet. Anyway, today's training was good. There was contact :D. I realise that i'm too much of a solo kia and need to improve on my handling. Well, those are improvements to be made. I feel bad hurting Tim's shoulder and made Javier nose bleed. I was so scared that i would break his nose, but heng i didn't. And i also got a couple of injuries myself, sprained thumb from face-off and strained groin :/ but that's all normal for rugby. Oh oh, and i almost forgot, Elliott wore his 'sexy' full lower body tights today ^^
Went with the banni HC (most are my classmates) to eat lunch at usual place and hanged out with them for the rest of the day. I was slacking the whole day with the excuse of sprained thumb and didn't do any work (which i'm fully guilty of and take full responsibility). We spent the afternoon dai-ti(ing), talking cock, listen to music and as always, serene's whinning. But i really do pity and feel sorry for her. I can imagine myself in her shoes, i'll find life to be very sucky as well. So, i don't blame her for whinning. It's saddening to see her watching other ppl play while she alone sitting down there and just watching. I feel useless. Hai, but that's life. Shit happens, so deal with it. I hope she'll continue to stay strong. Oh, and i found out that i'm quite stereotypical and got kena shot.
Today is the last day of banni camp, i wonder if zheng yuan will still come school next week...like that then i can have a personal tutor :p well see how. Hmm...i'm getting very addicted to the song The Scientist by Coldplay, somehow it invoke feelings in me which i totally cannot understand why. Wa the night is not young anymore, gotta go sleep now.
(6/5/09)
my second voice
- 12:46 AM