Finally dad left. Was a torture when he was around. Always asking this asking that, giving me a lot of pressure. These days in school aren't much better also. Everytime I see her, the pain just comes back. And sometimes my eyes just seem to look at her. She still look so beautiful to me. Then a couple days ago she msged me, tried to console me and said she didn't regret starting the relationship. That time I wanted to say things in her face but I held back. Should be smarter about it. Bullshit. U totally regretted it, or else why would u initiate it so quickly. And u said I was avoiding u. Who's avoiding who in the first place? Everytime in the morning u would purposely sit at the other table. Isn't that obvious enough? U said we'll still be great friends no matter what. Guess it's easier said than done. I still don't understand. Even before we started, I thought yang Jun asked u to think carefully. It's not like u don't know I'm like that, slow and stupid. And I thought after that event with Jian lin I thought you'll be wiser and more sure.
U said I don't understand u. BECAUSE THERE WASN'T EVEN A FRIGGING ENOUGH TIME. One week and u suddenly started telling me u feel uncomfortable. And do u think it's fair to say that I don't bother to know u? U didn't open up to me at all. Do u think I'm psychic? Everytime when u have sth to say, u always find yl or yj. How the hell am I suppose to know what u feel when u don't even take me as someone close. That's why I thought of saying maybe the guy for u is yl. I'm sure he knows a lot about u. Now I'm starting to realise that maybe u are no better than hx, or even worse. At least she just flirts around and sometimes gives wrong signals. But she doesn't break anyone's heart, like u did to the two of us. U play with people's feelings. U don't dare to say the truth and like to avoid. Do u know how it feels to know that u hid things from me and I had to find out about the reasons from someone, who was kind enough btw to take pity on my pathetic situation and help me. I feel like a fucking loser. If u had told me from the start I wouldn't have to suffer so much. Now it's like a second blow, just when I thought I was starting to get over it. I guess I'll never get over it, at least not when I'm still seeing u around...still so beautiful. I tried looking at other girls, tried to ogle, like what some of the ruggers suggested but it doesn't help at all. I'm tired, tired and afraid to fall for someone else again. But I can't deny my feelings towards u, it has never change all the while. As much as I want to, I still can't forget the times from when we first chatted at ECP. Somtimes I wish it'll happen like in the dramas where I had a car accident or sth then I can't remember anything about u only. Hai...why did fall for the wrong girl? When will this suffering end?
26/4
The ruggers bashed me on Monday. Mr Sufian also tricked me. At first the guys wanted to do the usual tearing of underwear but he came in and said "U all know his situation right...the mother don't like him playing rugby and u all tear his underwear and when he go home and his mother finds out, she'll have a even worse impression of u all..." I thought I was saved but then what he said next was "...so u all just ham tam him lah" Then it began, the ruggers all gang up on me and started slapping me around. Then they pulled down my boxers and all take turn slapping my bare bum. I especially remembered fatty lee, he pinned me down and slapped me all the way while singing happy birthday. Sigh...what goes around comes around. It was also nice of Shu Han to give me a small chocolate...erm I don't know how to call it....let's just say small chocolate cake. Come to think of it, the class didn't celebrate anything after the BBQ for Jan babies I think. I hope the coming class outing for talent time will pull each of us a bit closer. Seems like the class is getting very segregated. Speaking of class dynamics, today I filled Jaystine on some of the class politics. I'm comfortable talking with her, maybe cuz she's not like other normal girls. A bit towards tomboyish so easier for me to converse I guess. Haha. I like became her spy. Told her about the two girl cliques and my take about hui xian. I can't believe she thought I like hx. Maybe kf was right, I might be getting too close with her. But what the hell, she still don't know what type of person I am. Hai...I didn't tell Jaystine about me and kf. Not sure if it's right for me to tell her. But if she started to observe things and come asking me about it, then guess I'll just have to explain it to her. Hmm...somehow I feel Jaystine and I are similar in character, except me being slow and stupid. And she's more mature than our class girls. Think she can enlighten me a thing or two about the mystery of girls. I'm such a loser :/
28/4
Tomorrow's the semi. I really want to score a try. Last season I scored 2 tries, though it might be a bit cheap. Went to watch kickass with yl and jl on Saturday. Not bad. That 12 years old girl owns. Think I've seen her in some other movie before. And she looks like that boy in home alone. After the movie we went to botak jones. Honestly I think it's overrated. The food isn't that good. The burger was full of oil. Then we lepak for a while then went home. Yl seems like keep wanting to have a gf. Keeps whining about not having someone beside and gets very bored. Some how, I don't share the same sentiment. I mean u don't just go for someone just for the sake of having a gf. You have to have feelings, that attraction for each other. That way both will be committed to the relationship. Or else, if one party is just going along for the ride, just for play play, it's not fair to the other person. Yl told me kf thinks I like someone else. That stupid girl, I thought I already made it clear to her that there's nth between me and hx. I don't get it, I thought we're through, this kind of thing shouldn't be a concern to her. Anyway, I should enjoy the benefits of being single. I should look at more girls and find a distraction, cuz seriously I need someone who can accept me for who I am and kf can't. So I should stop dwelling on it and let this while thing go. Thinking back, it's all messed up. According to yl, she from start already have this thought that the relationship will not last. That's where it's screwed up. For me, if I were to start a relationship, I'll put in all my effort and hope that it'll last, eventually till I decide to spend my life with that girl. Hai...don't care, don't bother. That's the way it's going and I think it should.
3/5
We're in the plate finals :D Finally we're making our way to our goal. Just one more match to earn our glory. I can almost feel it. It's time to take back what's rightfully ours. No complacency though. Just one more time to give it all out. The semi against cj was great, especially for the forwards. I'm happy that Sheng Da came in. Felt just like old times. Now our team is really complete. We stick tight for each other and scored 3 tries. Finally forwards score tries. Backline scored one. Then I received a match ball for playing well :) Good thing Jaystine didn't affect my game. I just blocked everything out when I'm playing. I can't believe it. Am I that easy to read? She stalked me on facebook and just like that figured out whom I like. I think she's waiting to catch me off guard again and make me spill everything out. I really don't know what to say to her, which part to say and which part to leave out. I feel like just telling everything, the whole damn thing, from my perspective. Sian, I'm sure it's gonna hurt like hell again. This pain, it's not the first time that I'm feeling it, but it just doesn't go away. Maybe Delwin was right, nowadays it's the girls who are playing the boys and not the other way round. Wish that I'll find a more suitable girl next time, if I ever fall for someone again that is.
5/5
Yesterday's talent time was fucked up. I should've gone with the ruggers. I didn't want to go with the class because I know I might not be able to take it. But seeing pei ling go through all the trouble to organise and make banners and stuff, I couldn't bear to disappoint her. Looks like I still can't control myself. Seeing her in school was bad enough, seeing her again outside it's just too overwhelming. It just keep reminding me of my failures, of how much of a fucking loser I am. Everytime that sudden eye contact, always feel a pinch on my heart. It just feels fucking shitty when the girl u love say that you make her feel uncomfortable. I'm angry and disappointed in myself. Why can't I get over it? It just became worse these few days. Why can't I just let go of the whole damn thing? Hai...I really miss talking to her. But what can I do? I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and I have to have self-respect. I wish I get another concussion during the match and forget about the whole thing. Well, the good news is that the j1 ruggers did well, not only did they win the group catergory, they won the overall champion also. Proud of them. I think this is the year, the year where everything comes full circle for the rugby team. We achieved quite a good recognition.The team is now together, complete. I feel that the team, especially the forwards, is tight and bonded than ever before. Feel like we can really do this together. There's no fallen brother also. All we have to do is win the plates and we shall bath in full glory.
8/5
Finally, PLATE CHAMPS! But it did come with a price. Timo was knocked out cold. Scared the shit out of the forwards. He didn't move for a few minutes. I thought he was going to die. He just stared blankly at us the whole time. The look of his face, as if he was asking "Where were you guys?". Sorry bro, I should have been there for u. When the match ended, everyone was overjoyed. But I was really worried for Timo, felt that the medal or plate doesn't matter as much as how's Timo now. Kf came down for the match with tab. I don't know why she wanted to come down. All along, she did not come down for any match. Managed to msged her a bit that night. Some how, it released a bit of tension between us I guess. But that doesn't really change anything. Xu Xun and yl tell me that they think she still likes me. So what, I'm in no position to do anything. She's the one who started and ended it. It's just inappropriate for me to ask for things to start all over again. Talked with Jaystine on Friday. I promised her that I'll explain to her and I guess she's really kay poh too. Couldn't really slip my way out. I was surprised that jl was also her 'wou di'. But she didn't know the girl was in fact kf. I'm starting to wonder if telling Jaystine about kf and jl incident was the right thing. Now my mind is telling me kf is not worth it, but in the corner my heart there's this small hope for clinging on, not to give up on her and myself. Seems like I'm under some kind of spell.
15/5
Had been stuffing myself lately. Had Seoul Garden on Saturday and went congqing last night. Was fun hanging out with the ruggers. On Saturday, that stupid Lucas said meet at 2 at somerset. But the damn thing dragged till 5+ cuz change of plan to have dinner together with mr sufian. Haha shazwan got kena owned. Mr sufian came up with a challenge to induce excitement. Me, bob, Javier, shazwan, xp and ren hao were supposed to finish 8 scoops of ice cream and see who finish last. The last person would have to surrender his handphone and we can send any one message to anyone. Shazwan came in last and bob the mastermind does what he does best. He msged to the girl shazwan like that, "Hey long time no talk, u know I always think of u when I masturbate." OWNED. Well the girl replied, "WTF IS YR PROBLEM". Poor shazwan, should've known not to play with the forwards. Then after dinner we went to She Sha (don't really know how to spell). It's the pipe thingy that u smoke with, not like cigarrette, got flavours like apple and coke. I took a puff just to try out, I swear that damn thing smelled like Bygone, that pest spray smell.
18/5
I've finally opened my eyes. All the while for some reason I couldn't. But after what happened for the past few days, I could finally pull my self up. She and Delwin were getting really flirty and they're doing it right in the middle of the class. Like 2 shameless couple. No matter how u treated me, played with my feelings, took me for granted, I could stand it. But not this type of behaviour, worse with a guy who's attached, that's where u crossed the line. Even though we're not together, it just shows your lack of faithfulness and your true character, this I can't stand one bit. Maybe because I'm influenced by the fact that my dad cheated on my mom. I promised myself that I won't follow his footsteps. By doing all this in front of the class, it just shows that u have utter disregard for me, everyone else and self-respect. You're no longer beautiful to me, scary in fact. I can never look at u the same way as I did before. What really triggered me was that when Delwin touched your hand, u didn't even react. Seemed so happy when he's around. Just shows how loose u are. Well, u can't hurt me anymore and I won't shed any more tears because of u. I've finally cut my self away from u. I stayed true to my words till the end. I told u, like what we've agreed, that though I did not fall for someone else, my feelings for u have changed. So do whatever u want, don't put me in the picture. I'll just take it as an experience. Then later in the evening yl came telling me that you're very sad. I can see your motive but I really can't be bothered with u anymore. I'm just happy that I don't care about u anymore. You're the one to walk out on me first. Now I'm just moving on. I finally agree that we're not meant for each other. Thank god I finally realised it. I don't have to make myself feel miserable anymore. Now I think I can finally reorganize my life, work hard for A level. Actually somehow I've to thank Delwin, if he didn't played with her, think I'll never get over her in the first place. My close friends were supportive of me, especially tab, appreciate them. But I don't know how they'll look at kf also. Falling for a girl is really scary, I think I'm too afraid to fall for someone else again.
22/5
We talked last night. I thought I could lie to myself but who am I kidding. All the same feelings came back again just like that. Seems like we've been going in circle, trying to chase each other's tail. We've agreed to wait for each other till after A level. She told me she was waiting all along. Not going to give up, screw everyone else. I'll fight.
25/5
Kf and Delwin are not so close as before. But it still irks me to see him make physical contact with her and being cheeky. Can't stand it. The incident during the math lecture still bothers me. I asked kf about it but she totally don't remember that it happened. I even told her it happened right in front of me. But I trust kf, I know she won't go overboard. Hai, wish I could spend some time with kf before I go into mugging during June holiday. At first I wanted to ask her can study with me after school tomorrow cuz there's the AGM BBQ and I don't want to waste my time with the ruggers. But then today she said she's eating sushi with serene. Sian, I really want to spend some time with her and talk a bit. I don't really like the way things are going between us. We still don't really talk to each other. I get the feeling that she still avoids me.
26/5
She screwed up my mind again. Told me her feelings have changed. Can't say that I'm surprised. But that was fast. Tab told me that she told her that she still liked me, in this week. Some how I'm not distraughted by it. It's just a dull, numb feeling now. Like a sian and disappointed feeling. Now I know, her words can never be taken seriously. Even before that I've this feeling that she wants me to hang around, to have at least someone to fall back on. But maybe she felt guilty of it and finally decided to come clean. I'm not going to be too nice to a girl ever unless I feel that she appreciates me. Speaking of which, Tab is really worked up over my situation. She kept telling it's fucked up and I'm deluded. She's right but I couldn't help myself. But now that she has already made it clear, all the more I'm able to move on. Tab has been good to me, kept trying to talk sense into me. I don't know what she feels about me but I think she's a good girl. Just a bit kiddish sometimes.
28/5
Learned a bit more about kf from Nwe Nwe. She did the same thing to jl as she did to me. She wanted to check on things whether jl has fallen for Nwe Nwe. She also asked me about the relationship between me and hx. Seems to me that she wants both of us to be like slaves for her, don't want us to get over her and keep at her disposal. Scary. Now I know why love can become hate. Fucking regret everything now. Hai...then there this Xiang hui and qian ting. I don't really know the whole story but from what I've gathered and observed. Xiang hui is an ungrateful bastard. I'm very disappointed in him. I sort of saw it coming. I should have told qian ting about it but I didn't want to be extra and go between their relationship. That stupid Xiang hui. Kept telling him to be faithful. I wish I had a girl like qian ting. She's a really good girl and she really loved him, even said that she already treat her as her husband. Why is it always like this? Why is it always so fucked up? Always one person will put in their effort into the relationship while the other just don't give a fuck. The only blissful couples I've seen so far is hendy's, lucas's and gary's. I really envy them. They've already like found their soulmate.
1/6
Seems like I don't have much to write or want to write since kf is already out of my mind. Hmm...where shall I start? Xiang Hui is really with that girl now. Wanted to talk to him but they're always together and Sheng da is right, what's the point. Speaking of which, I'm happy for fatty lee. Seems like he's really enjoying with the girl. Oh and for Guan ting also. He and that Shirley debate girl are together now. Tried to play the piano on Thursday, looks like an impossible task. I can't even go past the first few notes. Tab is going to be happy about it. That girl keep trying to put me in awkward position and we kept talking about some awkward issues, like pms and penises -.- imagine that. The other day when I was asking for the date for the sentosa outing, she said she prefer after week 2. After further clarification, she said she'll be having her period, with much mischief of course. Then during physics lecture we ended up talking about lesbians and gays and what not. Oh there's a really a different mentality between guys and girls when it comes to chest. For guys we don't mind people touching/poking at our chest, even it's a another guy as long as there's no perversion intended. But for girls it's totally different. According to tab, she gave the relation of a girl touching another girl's boobs is like a guy touching another guy's dick. Looks like the chest is also considered as a very private area for girls, even between each other. This girl ah, can be very cheeky. Full of mischief.
5/6
Been going to school to study. Looks like I'm way behind the schedule that I intended to follow. I realised that I've develop this habit of stoning. I think ever since I fell for kf, I've been doing that. It usually happened like this. I usually sit at the 2nd or last row during lessons and surprisingly, most of the time she's always directly in front of me or along my line of sight to the visualiser screen. My eyes would just be fixed onto her sometimes. Just admiring her back and her hair, what kind of hairband or headband she's wearing, without knowingly. Thinking back, actually it's quite stupid of me. But then again, people do stupid things when they're in love. My deluded times. Tab and I have been msging each other a lot now, almost like every day. That girl is really fun to talk with. We had quite a few jostle and when things seems to be at a losing end for her, she would just use about my bad experience to counter it, which is of course unfair. She knows too well about my weakness. We also argued about who has a more pervertic mind. Haha, can't believe she could relate menses to what goes on in the bedroom, the all too familiar phrase that the wives would say to their husbands when she don't want to do, 'honey, not tonight'. Maybe she had already thought of such scenario with her future husband ^^ Oh, and there's this 'not so good quality' salmon also. I'll interrogate her about it when she comes for the outing.
10/6
my second voice
- 2:07 PM