Got back PR2 yesterday. My ranking point was only 41, and it's all thanks to the pw grade, else it'll be a lot lower. But the consolation was that I did passed chem after all, even though just barely. Think they rounded up my marks. Anyway nowadays I feel the urge to swim, it's good cardio workout. Improves your breathing and u don't feel the sweat sticking to your body. It literally tones your whole body. Last week, yl and I went to Eugene's house to supposedly study and swim, but end up I didn't even touch the notes that I brought to study. Anyway that stupid yl came late. He told me he fell asleep again. So Eugene and I went to the coffee shop and waited for yl. We started talking and I asked him about li yi. As usually he tried to avoid the question but he eventually told me. He said she was not interested, like he asked her out a few times and she kept saying busy, and when she eventually agreed it felt kinda forced so he didn't bother already. Then he turned the table and asked me about hx cuz he said we seem close. I told him there's nothing between us and that in fact she gives me the weird vibes. He was like, 'Yeah yeah!! I was trying to describe and that excatly hit the spot.' Seriously I don't like her character. She got like split personality and is self-centered. She has this facade to make friends so that she can make use of them for her interests later on. Anyway we reached Eugene's condo and we swam 10 laps. At first I wanted to swim 20 then go study while they go play tennis but they kept asking me to join them. In the end I gave in, felt so guilty afterwards, didn't even study. I picked up butterfly stroke that day but needs some polishing. I vaguely remembered when I was a kid I was half way through learning butterfly style but for some reason I stopped. I think butterfly is the nicest style. It's fast, graceful and aggressive, though yl and Eugene say mine looked violent :s
I feel so restricted nowadays. My mom just expects me to be couped up in my room and study all day long. Can't step out of the house without her ranting her usual chants. To put it metaphorically, my ears get fucked by her nagging all the time. I want to play golf. I want to play rugby. I still want to learn to play piano and drum, even though I'm musically retarded. I want to go play LAN. I want to start working and earn my keep and be independent. I want to train my body. I want to go Maldives for a holiday. Keep thinking about what my future holds. Maybe I'll work my ass off to start my own business, get married, have a son, little win :) raise him up properly to be a good person. Teach him sports, let him play rugby. Doesn't matter if he breaks a bone or two, as long as he's not a wuss and he enjoys it. Haha, thinking too much again. Prelim is coming, stressed again :(
31/7
Sheng Da arranged a rugby league match between the juniors and the seniors tomorrow. Looking forward to it. I want to test out the juniors, see how well they're doing and progressing. See whether got potential to retain the plates next year. I'm not going to go all out, and I think none of the seniors would too. We wouldn't want to end their season career prematurely nor our a level career. It'll just be a match to settle a bit of rugby hunger for the seniors to last till end of a level and self-assessment for the juniors, gauge their own playing standard for now. Quite excited. Can't wait to see how some of the potential players perform, like Darren, Ahmad, Wayne, Kaihirul (don't really know the spelling), Patrick and the rest. Oh and especially that Robert. He's got a hell lot of ego, keeping trying to show off his body even though he has nothing to show off about. Then kept taunting me that he'll own me when we play. So I'll just go a liiiittle bit harder on him. Just to help him keep his ego in check. But I'm surprised that fatty lee is going to play. I thought Germaine won't allow him to. I'm really worried about his knee.
Hmm...I don't know whether vjay and Bryan will use the pair of gloves that I passed down to them. It was supposedly my 'Glove of Death', named after the deadliness of its smell. It's due to the accumulation of sweat from the teammates and from all those that I played with. After a couple months of fermentation, it had this incomparable stench. Just a wiff of it is enough to shock your senses. Pity I wasn't able to deploy it. It was a double edged sword, it became ineffective when it affects your team as well. The foulness was unbearable for everyone. Haha, I still remember the reactions of tab and serene, supposedly the two smart aleck of the class, after they smelled the gloves. Tab was tricked by me :) I tricked her that it was washed and smelled nice, pretending to take a deep breath out of it just to reassure her. But in actual fact, I opened my mouth to make that sucking noise which deceived tab that I was taking a deep breath. She fell for it and took a whiff. Her reaction that followed was hilarious. Her face was all winced up, like she'd been hit by poop (hahahahahahahha, poopy face ^^). I wonder which was is in fact worse, being hit by poop or smelling my gloves? For serene's case it was just out curiosity. She knew it was smelly, but she didn't realise it was THAT smelly. At first she was trying to bring out the smell from the pouch, like trying the smell wine. When she couldn't smell it, she put in her nose a bit and almost immediately she flung away the pouch, it was like a reflex action. Like when u hand touches something very hot, you'll automatically pull your hand away. She was like, 'OMG!! IT'S FUCKING SMELLY!!! What u do with it?' Haha, I'm sure it's the most disgusting stench that they've ever sniffed.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be fit enough for tomorrow's game. I hope I won't start panting like dog very fast into the game. As usual I don't think I'll sleep well tonight, will end up thinking how to to play tomorrow : /
2/8
Too tired and sick to write about the other day. Anyway, the game was fun. Though at first I thought we would have little time to play since Mr Sufian came down only at 5.30, but 1 hour was all we could manage. At the end we were all shagged out. Well, the j1s still lack the experience and some still lack balls. But I must say that they have huge potential. The forwards were solid in terms of physique. They have the size to dominate. They'll make a fine pack next year. As for backline, couldn't really tell since we played rugby league and there were no actual plays involved. But Patrick was particularly outstanding. The rumors were true, he could run and sidestep with ease. Confirm in the first team next year if he *touch wood* doesn't get seriously injured just before the season. I truely believe that they could challenge for the top 4 next year and surpass us. Well us, the seniors, tried to relive the glory by scoring tries easily.And we were reminded again that you don't play rugby to get fit, but u get fit to play rugby. But we've become people of the past. Gosh I feel so old and melancholic saying it, but it's true. The focus is on the j1s now and rightfully so. All we seniors can do is to give them moral support to push themselves and surpass us. Honestly, I think they'll give us a good trashing during the testimonial match after a levels. But it's ok, if they've really reached that far they deserve it, although it'll be very sucky for us to be the first batch to be beaten by the juniors : /
I've been sickly these couple of weeks. My nose keep running off like a broken tap and keep sneezing, as tab puts it like there is an automated pepper spray spraying into my face at regular intervals. And the class will always give me that look. I really hate the weather nowadays. It's either too hot and dry or too wet and cold. Or is it because my sinus problem is coming back due to lack of exercise.
5/8
Fought with my mom yesterday. She's like a slave driver, expects me to study all the time. The day before, I studied from 7 to 12.30 and after lunch I went to sleep till 2.30. And she made noise for that. I studied till 5.30 then watched tv till dinner time and went back to study again at 7.30. Then at 9 I stopped to warch tv and all the spraying began. Sh just went on and on and on. I watched the time. She nagged at me for about 50 minutes straight. She just wouldn't stop!! All the while I kept quiet. She thinks I don't put in enough effort and my study hours are still so short. So yesterday I showed her what really is no effort. I didn't study for the whole day just to despise her. At first I wanted to leave the house and go off to the beach or sth, just to escape her noise. She went all teary and the usual thing happened. She said she's not gonna nag anymore and only talk to me when necessary. Then she went out after that. We've had this kind of sessions so many times. But she still went back to her old habits soon after. So, I don't know how long this peace and quiet will last.
I feel so lost nowadays. Lack of motivation. Nowadays I feel like I'm not studying for the sake of my future. My parents give me so much pressure, constant nagging and reminders. Feels like I'm an investment, actually I am, they're so afraid that they won't get their returns and unable to brag or compete with other parents' children. I know their anxiety. For such a screwed up family with screwed up family bonding, screwed up spouse relationship, screwed up brothers, I stood out to be the promising one. The one that can be used to prove to everyone that they aren't such failed parents after all, that at least they can raise one proper son. This burden, sometimes I just feel like giving all up. I'm going into depression mode again. I feel so lost now that sometimes I just sit there staring at nothing, just letting time rot away. Totally no motivation to do anything. Heh, feels like that kf incident again. At first I thought I'd study hard cuz that's the only way we could be together, but now...whom do I strive for? I can't think of myself now cuz all I'll think about is escaping from this world. Maybe it's because I'm not rooted to my religion, or any religion for that matter. That's why I feel so lost and lack the preserverance. There's nothing for me to hold on to. Like at least Christians they pray to find strength, and like any other religion, there's at least something or someone to fall back on when everything seems to be tumbling down for you. I don't have any specific beliefs but now I pray to whoever or whatever that's out there, please lend me the strength to preservere, help me find the motivation to stay true to my goal and the courage to rise above all this. I make this prayer for everyone else too.
9/8
I'm pushed to take tution for the 3 H2 subjects. For math and physics, the tutor is my o level tutor. For chemistry is a lady that he recommended. I don't like the notion of taking tution at jc level, but it had come down to this since my results prove to be too sucky. Maybe with taking tution, I'll be kept busy doing work and my mom will have no reason to nag at me.
Well, I've been doing some cover work regarding hx for awhile now. She told me she likes some guy in jj but don't want to tell me or anyone else. I said it's ok, I won't force. But I'm super curious. What kind of guy would an auntie like her like? So I kept asking questions around the bush about the guy, hoping she'll slip up. But her lips are pretty tight. She keeps avoiding questions that will reveal too much. Never giving any discriptions. Always trying to ignore me whenever I try to ask questions about the guy. But all my efforts didn't go to waste. I manage to squeeze some things out of her. She said she didn't talk to him for quite long already, but don't want to say how long. She said one time that she thought they had mutual something...I couldn't make out what she said cuz half the time she mumbles, and she don't want to repeat. Then she thinks he don't like her and feels that he's trying to avoid her. But she said she's not going to approach him. I pulled all sorts of tricks but she's one tough nut to crack. Maybe I've missed out some of the important hints she gave. Well then can't blame her cuz I really suck at picking up hints. Girls are so complicated. I have a hunch, cuz she keeps drawing wu gui on my papers ever since I started probing around. Well the only logical relation that I can think of is wu gui = slow, maybe she's hinting that I'm slow at finding out who the guy is? Well it's just a hunch. I shall consult this with tab on how to make her spill it all out. I'm sure that poopy face has some tricks up her sleeves that might work.
12/8
The study break was boring as hell. It would have been worse if I didn't need to go for physics consultation. I hate being couped up at home. I've been wanting to buy this cap for quite a while now. It kept slipping through my mind but it came back when I was stoning sometimes during these few days. I don't know what it's called. It's those street gangsters wore during the 50's and 60's like in the Godfather. It's a cap where the front part of the cap overlaps the shade cover of the cap. I decided to get it after prelim. Maybe go town, that way got more choices and variety. Was texting with tab the other day and we ended up stumbling upon her so called 'animal farming' topic. That poopy face, always full of witty ideas. Invented a whole new relation of juggling and cracked balls. It just somehow brought back those painful memories. It's like a scar, a constant reminder of the pain felt that cannot be removed. If I ever fall for someone else again, I'd be a hell lot more hesitant than I was with kf. Totally lose confidence just by thinking back. And the fear of history repeating itself, the thought of going through the whole nightmare again, it'll be better off for me not to start a relationship in the first place. Fuck it's getting me down again. Ok ok, move on to something else. I think tomorrow's gp paper will have something about the topic on sports. Speaking of which, S'pore medal tally is at the bottom so far according to the newspaper. Honestly, S'pore is definitely not a country that you'll see exceptional athletes coming out. I think the whole government system just dampens aspirations. It puts too much emphasis on academic as the road to success, so much so that parents are drilled into this mindset that paper qualification is priority. I mean I can understand some of the reasons for the parents to be so hesitant. Like is a heavy and risky investment for the child, an injury might put a premature end to the child's sporting career. Asian athelets are really disadvantage compared to the Europeans due to the sheer difference in size. But I just think that investing in a sporting career is just as risky as an academic career. The child might be intellectually smart but not academically. And from my own experience, studying is definitely not an enjoyable experience, due to the sheer stress of tests and exams, as compared to training a sport that you love, even though it's intense and physically demanding. And size is not the determining factor for most sports I will say. No one can be big and fast at the same time. Well even for those parents who are daring and supportive enough for allow the child to follow his or her dreams, the most they can do is send them to sports school. And that's the root of the problem why S'pore is not achieving the medals even with the huge amount of investment put it. The fact that it's a school means you'll still have to study and go through the normal school curriculum of preparing for test and exams. As compared to other countries where the young athletes totally do away with books and just keep training every moment that they're awake, staying focused, putting in 100%. I mean what's the point of being Jack of all trades but master of none. Trying to achieve things at opposite poles will end up with u going nowhere. You'll just be stuck in the middle, neither here nor there. If S'pore athletes won medals, will porbably be more because of talent than hardwork. I don't think S'pore lacks talents. I think the mindset of the government and parents is what stifles these talents. Because at international levels, the athletes are more or less talented bunch of people. The win will probably be due to the small difference in talent, reinforced by the difference in the no. of training hours put in. With the whole hoo hah about yog, it's quite likely that the paper will concern sports. Hope it'll be some other teacher marking our paper, someone more rational and less picky.
18/8
my second voice
- 12:50 PM