Tonight went to prom. Bought my stuffs from John little. The whole outfit cost 150 bucks. But hey, I bought office wear so it's still useful I guess. Well quite a few of us came late, then again the event only started at around 7.30. Don't really blame the girls, they probably had to doll up. But I must say what hui xian wore was too revealing. Maybe she's going clubbing after prom, I don't know. And of course my prediction was correct, a lot of girls overdid their make up. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I just think the whole thing was like a...farcade...I mean everyone was dressed up, putting a hell lot of effort into it. But at the end of the day behind those make up, those posh clothings and sexy dresse, is just another schoolmate. I just get put off by this whole thing. Anyway tab was sick, she was suddenly down with fever just yesterday. She wore another nice dangly earrings, as usual. But I didn't flick it cuz I don't want to disturb a sick girl. She went home half way. Man the 65 bucks was totally not worth it. The food was average. And they only had two drinks. And the food sometimes arrive cold. And the beauty peagent was...well not just my cup of tea. And the MC sounded tiring awhile with his lame jokes.
Hmmm...to me it's a bitter sweet feeling now. On one hand you won't be seeing your classmates, friends, some of whom you'll miss much and some of whom...well not so much. Then on the other hand there's this new future ahead of us where we can't wait to move into. I just wish everyone all the best for thier future. This two years have been real tough for me. But there are so many memories, there are both good and bad. Probably all of them will stay in my mind.
I went home with yl and kf after that. We took mrt, lucky we managed to catch the last train. Then that yl made me send kf home. He just alighted at je mrt and just left both of us. Kf said no need for me to send her home but the situation was obvious. It's already passed midnight and I'm the only guy left. So it wasn't a matter of choice. I don't like it all, we just kept silent through out. And I just hate that awkward atmosphere. Anyway after I sent her to her block lift, I at first thought of taking a cab home. But decided to walk back home. Just to clear my thoughts and reflect. So now here I am writing at a bus stop.
Well there's this unsettling news that I wanted to tell tab but decided not to. My dad is now floating the idea of sending me to Australia for further studies, it's not definite but has a high chance of it. He said there are better job opportunities there and easier to settle down and not so fast paced and crowded like Singapore. Plus my brother is already there so it's easier to send me over. As always, thinking for his sons futures. I mean it makes sense according to his ideas. But I don't feel good about it. It's already hard trying to provide for my brother who's already there. And he's the one who kept complaining about it. Now he wants to send me over too. It'll just add even more burden to him and I feel guilty about it too. But the worst thing for me is changing to a new environment. I can't imagine going through the whole thing as I did when I came over to Singapore to study. And losing my close friends here. That's the hardest part. I'm not a very socialble person and it takes a while for me to warm up to someone. Hai...I don't know how to break it to my friends. I don't know how they'll react to it when I tell them that they might never see me again. Seriously I'll miss everyone and probably will have another breakdown. Hmmm...just thinking of it is already hard. Maybe that's just my fate, to be a drifter, going from one place to another, just passing by, never staying long. But I think I should at least tab about it. Of all people I guess it'll be wrong of me not to tell her and just disappear. If it happens, I guess she'll have to find another guy to complain about monthly cramps, quarrels with her sibilings and parents. Find another guy who's shy and introvert to shoot at and make him feel embarrassed. Find another guy who admires her nice dangly earrings and itching to flick them. I guess I'll break it to her one of these days. Ok time for me to start walking back home again.
6/12
my second voice
- 3:00 PM
I CAN'T PLAY TESTIMONIAL!!! >( Apparently it's been postponed AGAIN to Jan. It's damn fucked up. I was really looking forward to it. I thought I could finally play flanker. Arrrggg, I'm pissed.
Hai...anyway went down for training with the j1s, and I forgot to bring my boots. Brought the wrong boots. Still feel cui, but improving. Mr sufian said I can play the Centaurs match. But it's 10s and there's no flanker position!! But I guess I'll just have to be contempt with it. We played a couple of 10s matches with the seniors. Funny thing was tha there were more seniors than the juniors. Daniel said some of them were sick and the others have work. Anyway, the j1s have much work to do. Their tacklings are a really problem. Like Yee Min said, they're not taking the initiative and being committed to the tackle. I kept telling them, especially Robert, that they always go in with their arms stretched. They're trying to pull down the opponent instead of going in with the shoulders to give a solid tackle. Playing 10s means there are more spaces to run and with this many miss tackles that they're making, they'll just get owned. And they still lack the agression. Ted said they're quite soft.
Anyway, the other day I didn't realize I make tab feel insulted, saying about her faith. I felt so guilty after reading. Well it got me thinking, is religion, or even race, going to be a big issue for my future life? Well I think I'm a free-thinker now. I've been exposed to a few different religions and somehow it just doesn't...how to put it...make me feel like I want to put my believe in any of it. When I was young, I started off as a Buddhist. My mom always relate it with morals to teach me how to be a good person. And of course I didn't question much and just took them in as she said, what would you expect from a small kid who was expected to be guai. We were very close and I guess I even enjoyed all her guidances and teachings. She used to go on and on from one thing to another and I'll just hug her and listen and they sounded interesting. But the problem was that she's still half Burmese. And when she married my dad and came into a chinese family, she had to follow the customs because it was a traditional Chinese family. So there she was teaching me Buddhist but it's a mix of Burmese and Chinese. So we would go to both Burmese and Chinese temples to pray. And it all became sort of mambo jambo, I slowly start to take it as tradition instead of taking it as practicing my belief, because I guess I was lost. There I was praying to different deities without putting my faith in. And when I came to Singapore to study, I lived with a guardian and the family was Christian. They would take us to church and make us join the children service with their own children. I felt very intruded at first and told my dad about it, he said never mind just take it as exposure. And it was quite an exposure. It was totally different from Buddhism. I didn't think that joyful singing was giving hounour and respect. And I thought these people went mad when they started praying in the 'tongue language'. And how do you pray when you don't have a visual image of the god. All these left me very puzzled. But I slowly learnt when I asked my friends about their religions, likewise for Muslim and Hinduism. And I learnt somemore when I went to my secondary school which was a catholic school. There are many type of Christianity, sort of how my Buddhism was like. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't believe in their faith anymore. I don't dare. I don't know how they would react to it. And in the future would the girl I like, mind about me not having a religion and likewise for her parents. Personally I don't really care about her religion, well maybe except for Muslim. I can't go on for the rest of my life without pork. Would my parents mind too about her different religion? And if somehow we managed to pass this huge barrier through some miracle, when we have kids whose religion are they going to follow? Personally I don't mind if they follow hers. It makes things easier as well since it's easier to teach using religion. Hmm...the more you think about it, the more the things get complicated.
27/11
my second voice
- 3:00 PM