I really don't know what that girl is thinking. Wish I can just read her mind. I feel like my emotions are being played around. Still, I'm helpless yet so willing. I also don't understand myself. It's like part of my soul is already with her. Why did I fall head over heels for a girl? I feel that my pride and dignity are stripped off me, to let a girl get away with whatever she wants. But I've never felt so selfless yet pathetic at the same time. Somehow I feel that I'll be caging her if she's with me. She deserves to be free, be happy with her friends. I might be overwhelming her also, but it's because if I love sth I'll put my heart and soul into it. Time to suppress my feelings again. There's still about 9 months to go, and either of our feelings might change. But I doubt it'll be me. By then, I hope she either realise how it feels to like someone and yet trapped in the 'friend zone', or that she's fickle-minded and have commitment phobia. She always kept me hanging, always neither here nor there. It's easy for her to just say I don't know. I don't know how to pull myself up from here. Well at least I'm getting used to the pain, it doesn't hurt like the first time and I don't think of stupid thoughts. I just don't get it, if u really like someone, u would want to be with that person. Other commitments like studies and friends would just integrate into their world, leaving them to comprise it with each other without losing their priorities. Maybe she just doesn't have the same sentiment as me. But I'm still hopeful. This might be the true test between us, whether we're really meant for each other. Time will give us the answer, so we'll just have to wait and see.
13/2
Found a comment on a quote by Haiman on facebook. The quote is 'You don't just stop loving someone, either u never did or u always will'. So true. I'm not angry with you. It's not because I have no temper. It's because I love u. I don't cry over this. It's not because I have no tears. It's because I love u.
14/2
Been thinking about it. Maybe kf thinks we won't last cuz I might not stick around in sg. Then I'll just have to study hard to get into the uni. Cant lose her. Hmm...I feel that I'm no longer as strong as I used to be physically. I find myself not crashing and tackling hard, like I used to. Maybe it's because of my weight loss. That depression period really had a toll on my body. Like Mr Sufian said, I'm the smallest forward in the pack. It sucks when you're body becomes the limitation instead of ur mentality. Somehow I get the feeling that I'll be out during the season. I'm worried for the team, if I go out Nick won't do well. He'll be pressured by the forwards to perform and he's not strong mentally. I'll see if I can catch Wenna and ask for her help, if she doesn't motivate him I don't know what else will. Seriously, he's a lot stronger than me physically. But he just lacks the balls. I hope the forward can get their game together after Wednesday. Especially the scrum. I don't know whether she'll want to watch the match this Thursday. If she were to watch, it'll really motivate me. But I doubt she will. Besides, she might worry for me but I doubt so also. Oh, there's about Javier also. Didn't know he's clingy like me also. Thought he was horny and just desperate for girls. Wish him well with cat.
15/2
CNY was a dread. Nth to do, stayed at home to rot. Cannot go out and collect ang bao, really envy my friends. Extra cash could really help me in paying for the jersery. Mom cooked some good food but that's about it. Been about 10 years that I've not had tuan yuan dinner. Really miss it. Kf and I are now back to squre one, like from the beginning as friends. Think I'm doing ok in supressing myself but I don't know if I could keep it up for the rest of the year without affecting myself so much. Oh, today saw Farhan and Javier with their new haircut. They look damn aggro when they don't smile. I'm cutting mine this weekend :) A disheartening thing happened today also. Serene got pissed when Tabitha cracked an egg on her head as a birthday bash. She just ignored everyone and went home after cleaning herself. I don't know what's wrong with her today. Birthday don't want to celebrate. Where got people like that one. Maybe she's having PMS and speaking of which, I leant more about girls. Hui Xian surprised me today. Didn't know she's so open. She complained about stomach cramps because of menses and I was like O.O then she also said cannot drink cold drinks during this period cuz cramps will get worse (noted). Anyway back to the topic, I think serene made too much of a fuss. She doesn't appreciate or maybe she didn't understand and see the effort Tabitha put in for her birthday.
She went through all the trouble of baking a cake for her just because she's sick of eating cheap cakes. I would've kissed Tab for that if I were serene. Then she also thought of ideas for the bash for fun. And besides, bashes are never voluntary so I don't understand why she made a big fuss out of it. But I think everything will be fine tomorrow, serene is like a firework- fizzle out very fast. They be laughing together again by tomorrow. Well that's is for now, excited about the match tomorrow.
17/2
Had the match against HC. They were not even close to the standard I thought. Mr Sufian bluffed us all. I had my first try of the year. The unbelievable thing was that it was excatly from the same spot, the same way and against the same school. Broke through against 2 fat asses and tried. Sort of relived the moment :) Kf didn't come school yesterday. She had diarrhoea then fever set in. Missed seeing her and worried for her. I feel like we're bluffing each other, well at least for me. It feels akward to behave as friends again after what we've been through. And she's putting me in a difficult position. Most of the people think we're still together and I have the urge to tell them the real situation. But what if she thought that I'm going around telling everyone and making her look bad? Well, if she understood me she'll know I'm not that type of person. I just prefer things to be clear. Gonna cut botak tomorrow :)
20/2
不配. That's how u felt actually. Just found out yesterday from someone. Well if that was how u felt, why didn't u tell me frankly. Studies and crap, totally bullshit. Honestly, you'll still be lazy and stubborn even if you're not in a relationship. (You're the one who set it up. You're the one to make it stop. I'm the one who's feeling lost right now. Now u want me to forget every little thing u said.) So I'm still not good enough. I don't know what's wrong, you're so hard to understand. I don't think I forced u into relationship. U were the one wanted it in the first place. Heck I might even be the hesitant one instead. Yj asked u to think carefully before answering me, and I thought u've really thought about it before agreeing to me. Now I feel like a lab mouse, used for ur own curious experiment. 不配, it's not like u don't know what kind of person I am. I just don't understand why u only thought of it now, about my flaws and things u cannot tolerate, after we've gone into a 'realtionship' (maybe to u it might just be a trial period). But I'm not really surprised that this would happen. From that day that u asked me whether I'll worry that the same thing would happen to me as jl's case, I told myself okay, this might not last so I should treasure every moment of it. I didn't hold off my feelings for u. Now thinking back, maybe I should've held off some. But I still love u and think about u all the time. And because of that I'll wear this mask for u. I'll never take it off in front of u. As long as ur happy with it, it's good enough for me. Nothing else matters.
23/2
Can't take it anymore, it's becoming the same thing like last year. I feel that our relationship is no longer like mother and son. Now it's more like guard and prisoner. She's just finding fault with me and pressuring me all the time. All she wants is for me to just stay at home and study. Home is no longer a home to me, just a place of confinement now. No matter what I do, it's never enough for her. Why can't she just accept me as her son and stop imposing me as someone else. Am I not good enough for you? It's like whenever I come back home, I feel so tired. It's like the place itself and her just drain away my energy. I wish I could just shut her up. Hai...then that kf...I don't know why my heart is still stuck with her. I don't know what's so good about her and yet I just can't seem to help myself from getting over her. Life sucks, good thing I still have rugby, or else it'll even be suckier.
27/2
Read your blog, u said I've changed so rapidly and suddenly. Well, I'd say yours was more rapid and sudden. U were the one who wanted to be just friends again. Of course we can't be as close as we were as last time anymore. Besides I'm glad that u don't care anymore. Makes me feel more at ease.
Stranger eh, maybe it's good. I won't be a distraction to u.
30/2
I really have the urge to let out how I feel, but I know I must suppress it for you, even if it cause u to misunderstand me. Anyway, today's heats were great. But I must say the j2 discus could have done better. For the 100m, it was surprising that hendy lost to haiman. But still banni clinched 2 2nd placings so not to worry too much we're still consistent. Then there's that china guy from rono, damn fast. As fast or maybe even faster than hendy. He beat kin Onn in last year 100m finals. But hendy didn't disappoint, he came in first for 400m with relative ease. But the most encouraging thing was that both banni girls and boys did very well for 1500m. Truly epic. The first few spots were clinched by banni. Tomorrow's my event, javalin. My right arm has already recovered so no excuse. Aiming for a perfect score--16 points. I want my glory. So far I've not seen anyone who can throw as far as me and consistently other than well, of course g.o.d himself (seriously he throws lightning bolts to smite people, javalin is piece of cake ^ ^ haha). But something that bothers me is the using of boots for tug of war. It just doesn't seem to have the spirit of fairplay to me.
1/3
Didn't reply anything after I sent u MSG. Maybe u just want to ignore me. Maybe u just don't want to talk about it with me. I don't know what's the reason behind it but I'll play along with u. My mask against...yours perhaps? Hmm...season's coming. j1s are learning up reasonably well I would say. Darren got praised by Mr Sufian. I knew he has the potential. He reminds me of my early times in jj rugby. But without the kao peh skills of course, but he like kao peh me only. Haha. I felt bad and mean when I purposely targetted him for the crash. Should not abuse my power next time, besides I think he has learnt his lesson ;) Sports heat tomorrow. Pressure from Lucas but I will not falter.
3/3
Arrrggg, couldn't get a perfect score for javalin. Couldn't believe I got distracted so easily. But why must u come and watch? Thinking of u just make my heart sink. I just become weak under ur glare. That last throw I couldn't even draw strength. And now everyone is saying that I've changed. Just because I seem more carefree and open and a bit agressive. Believe me I wish that I don't have to put up this act and just be emo and seclude myself from everyone. But like I said to jl, since you're going to suffer either way there's no point dragging other people along to suffer with u, and besides I shall be the only one to suffer. It's so hard for me to react accordingly when you're being so misleading in the way u treat me. It's obvious that u avoid being close to me, didn't reply my MSG, and yet sometimes u make fun of me like u used to and show that u cared about me. I'm just totally lost. I'm a fool who's played by you over and over again. Hai...anyway yesterday tab run for 200m as a replacement. That girl got a lot of energy and she's fast. She did well for banni, came in either 1st or 2nd. I'm surprised that she didn't run in some of the events. I'm sure if she did she'll have significant contribution for the house. My middle finger is still swollen, that stupid Lucas anyhow tackled me and hurt my finger. Oh and Mr Sufian went to draw the lots today. We have rj, sa, mi, acs(int). Looking forward for the sa match. Never play with them before.
4/3
Greenrich sec match wasn't that fruitful for me. I had to play with lower sec boys. How'd u expect me to hit them? They all so small. Especially the scrumhalf, so cute. So I ended up just following the ball. Didn't even go inside rucks. But I did make a couple of tackles only when it was really necessary. Then I joined the first team to play the last half. Made one really nice crash. Then assisted Danial for a try. Seriously, that try wasn't suppose to happen. Even after watching the video I still don't know why I passed to Danial. Bad move by me, but good play between me and Danial. Then hendy did a spectacular move, he MARCHED on even with more and more guys hugging onto him. It took like 4 or 5 guys to finally bring him to a stop. Yet another epic moment by hendy. Every now and then he'll flash his godly powers.
7/3
My abrasion got infected. I thought my abrasion was minor, wasn't so deep, so didn't bother to take care it. Either I was wrong or it's becase of the seafood I ate, my whole calf swelled up last Sunday. Then all the pus and fluid start coming out. Damn disgusting. Then it started to really hurt, especially when standing up after sitting down for a while. Now the swelling has gone down just a bit and there's less pus now, but still hurts. Learnt my lesson, next time any abrasions, must dress it straight away at the end. Cannot take chances during this season period. Hope it heals by Friday. Want to join for tug.
9/3
Irritating...that's what u feel about me. It's ok. It doesn't matter even if I'm being mistreated. You're hot and cold at random. I just can't let myself to be so pathetic. I need to keep my dignity, at least what's left of it.
10/3
Zhang Xue is leaving us. Seems like our class just keep getting smaller and smaller. First it was Ben and Zhen Rui, now Zhang Xue also. It's quite saddening. Kf cried when Zhang Xue announced the news. And the fucking ting chen is a fucking pain in the ass. I wish I can beat the hell out of him. I'm losing my will to study. I feel like I'm just drifting...day by day, both my mind and heart have become numb. The weight of my burdens is too much, I feel like giving up sometimes. What happens when I leave? Well probably the most obvious thing is that others around me will get hurt, especially those that are close with me. And that's the reason that's keep holding me back. But...what excatly will happen after that? Life will just go on? I only fear that my mom will try to follow me, but other than that, I'm sure people will just move on. I'll just become a memory, sooner or later forgotten, or just locked in the corner of their hearts for those who felt I was special to them. Sometimes I really find it hard to preservere, but keep telling myself don't be selfish. Sometimes I think about it...what's the best way to go? Jumping? Slitting wrists? And the best I feel is overdosing, but hard to get ur hands on those medicine. See, even dying is hard, living is not much better. But I think that's the most peaceful and painless way to go. Kf private her blog, don't know what happened, what caused her to do it? Well it's obvious that she doesn't want some people reading her blog anymore, and maybe I'm one of them. Well, that I can understand. Maybe she can't bear it anymore and decided to let out her feelings, like what I'm doing. It does help u relieve without the other party knowing. Then again, I shouldn't be concerned over it. Must suppress. Looking forward to the SP match.
17/3
Good news. Tomorrow there's SP match and the match against CJ is shifted to next Wednesday. Means I'll get to play both games :)
18/3
Yesterday's SP match was shit. I didn't run around like I used to. Don't know what happen. Maybe I wanted to see how the other tights will move. Mr Sufian said we weren't there. Then hendy got concussed. It seems that our mentality got shaken when the opponent started to play rough a bit. Really worry for the season. The fitness is obviously not there for the tights, they're not going in rucks, not standing deep. Whole lot of problems. Had farewell gathering with the class for Zhang Xue. There wa a book with all the class memories for her. Really nice and touching. Then kf and yang Jun left early. Don't know why, maybe she's tired or had to go home do sth. The rest of us just lepak, then camwhored. Then after a while, jian lin came up with an idea to play as reporter and report made up stories. It was epic funny. Especially Xiang Hui's retarded face. Shall watch it again when Xiao Liang upload the video onto fb.
20/3
Hmm...I've been wondering. Am I behaving correctly? Is it being too much by keeping such a distance from her? It all seem like an akward situation :s Hai...what to do?
22/3
Yesterday's training was quite beneficial, although there were some things that happened which no one was prepared for. First, Ren Hao lost control of his anger. Don't really know what triggered it. It's bad for the team when he's gone into this mode during training. He'll start hurting his own teammates.But if it were in a match, then it would be a different story. Then I pissed Mr Sufian off. It's all my fault. Should've at least discussed with him before making changes in the line-out. It just slipped my mind. When he came in to take over us, there wasn't a moment for discussion and I forgot. Then later on he got so pissed off that he walked off. We were taking too slow, not serious in the training and not putting in our 100%. But luckily he came back and continued the training. It was the most tiring training ever. Felt like playing two matches straight. Got a few blisters from the training and a couple of strains and pains. But it was really fruitful. Our forward play got really smooth. It's cuz everyone was running and being there. It all fell into place. But the bad news is that shazwan is no longer the scrum-half. Really sucks. I sort of know how it feels like, when u put in effort and train hard for season and in the end you're not playing. All goes to waste. Well hope at least he can play as winger.
25/3
Yesterday's match against SA wasn't well played. On my part, I played like shit. All our line-outs were lost. Scrum also lost a few times. Fucking unfit also, even though the weather was very hot, it's still unacceptable. Stupid of me, go stuff myself just before a match. Felt like going to puke when playing. Then after I got cramps in both legs during the second-half, I was practically useless. Just jogging around and not contributing much. Really disappointed with myself. Must get fitter for the RI match. I know Mr Sufian hinted me that I did not play well. Kf said I'm drifting away from her and getting closer to hx, and she don't like it. When I asked her why she don't like, she gave the usual reply -- I don't know. I don't know how to take it, is she hinting sth? Am I suppose to react sth? Guess I'll never know the reason. I doubt she'll ever be frank with me. I thought we're just friends now, I think it's a bit too much to interfere with how I interact with other people. But I get the feeling that she's scared that I'll get 'seduced' by hx. Well it's reasonable though. Honestly, I think hx is too much of a flirt. But from start I found out from Ben that she's more comfortable with guys compared to what other girls would. And her behaviours tend to give the wrong signals. Also, her character is not that good. Seems like she just keeps lots of people around so that she can ask for help, make use of them. She's hot and cold at random. Hai...stupid girl. If that's what you're worried about, then you're just torturing yourself. I meant every word that I said to you. Besides, I'm too slow and stupid to be seduced. That's why I'm always your fool. But I'm getting tired, there're a lot of burdens on me now. And dad is coming down soon. Guess we won't ever be together.
2/4
She privated her blog again. Maybe she wrote things regarding me. The last time she wrote about how I became very cocky, she privated it at first also. My calf is still painful. That's the only problem that can cause me not to perform when playing in a match other than being badly injured by the opponent. Next week is RI match. I want to earn that best player title. Means I've to stand out. Since I'm a forward, the only way for me to stand out is to do a lot of good crashes, which means I've to receive the ball often and which means I've to be always there. Ultimately, run like dog. And of course, make good and hard tackles. Best is to send someone out. Yes! Mr Sufian wants the ruggers to run 12 rounds every pe from now till end of season. Excatly what I need, all the while can't find time to go run. This will really help improve the fitness level of the forwards.
4/4
Can't stand it. Keep thinking about u. Want to talk with u badly, but can't bring myself to start the conversation. I really don't know how. And my mind is still figuring about the things u said. I wish for once that you'll be honest with me and speak directly from your heart. What excatly are u trying to say? Stupid stupid stupid. Idiot. Why why why! Why did I fall for u? Why am I so affected whereas you seem to be totally unaffected. Now I think I'm going to be afraid of falling for someone else. I'm losing my directions.
5/4
I finally found out what happened between us. Just wish that it would have came from u and not Xiang Hui. It's at least somewhat relieving to finally know the answer. No more toturing myself by thinking of the reasons and losing my mind. You said I don't understand u and I'm too slow and stupid. You can't wait for me to learn about the things slowly. I don't blame u for it. It was my failure. I'm too straightforward guy. I can't catch subtle hints. But neither am I a psychic. I did told you from the start to be patient with me because I know my shortcomings. This is who I am, slow and stupid. And now I know you can't tolerate them. I told u that I don't want any barriers between us, but looks like there'll always be. But it's good that u ended it quick, to prevent it from becoming bothersome to u. I'm just sad that u didn't plan on tell me the real reason, and a third party had to tell me instead. It's been almost 2 months before I finally know it. I don't know how much more I've to torture myself if Xiang Hui didn't tell me. Finally I can stop tormenting myself. Everyday, every single day, I kept thinking of what went wrong, without really knowing what excatly happened in the first place. And all the memories about us kept flashing back. I had this feeling that the reasons u gave about studies and can't commit were all bullshit. Kept asking myself why am I so affected while you're not, why am I doing this to myself? Are you really worth it? I feel like I'm being torn apart, my mind and heart are telling me to do excaty opposite things. In the end, I wasn't good enough for u. I want to laugh and cry at the same time for being so pathetic. Things are only starting to heal and then I got to know this. And with the recent things that happenend, I don't know whether you're giving hints again or what. I really don't know. Ever since I realised my feelings for u, it just get more and more painful to love u.
8/4
Had my first ever concussion during the RI match yesterday. All I remembered was after the starting kick off, the opponent tap back the ball and I managed go after the ball and broke through. After that I remembered nth. I tried hard to think back and only able to recall just small fragments of it. Think I came out of the ruck and everything was in a swirl. Someone must have knocked me silly in the ruck. Then blank again. After that I had this faint memory of razak calling me in for scrum. Blank again. Things only started to concrete onto my mind during the first line-out. Then the game was stopped due to heavy rain. It's like during that period, nothing seems to register in my mind. My subconscious took over I guess. It all happened in a couple of minutes. I have to thank god for the rain. Or else I wouldn't have had the time to rest and recover. When the match resumed I was like half drunk. There's this dizzy spell and bright light at the left corner of my eye. But I just carried on and tried to presevere. Made a few good tackles and sent the no.12 out. Think I hurt his arm with my tackle.
Then finally I couldn't take it anymore. My head was spinning like crazy. I subbed out at the last 10 min I think. The front of my head was aching. I think the tackles made it worse. Hai...I wish the concussion took away some of my memories. Seems like I wasn't good enough for u. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I wasn't caring enough and insensitive. I didn't take the initiative. I was always hesitant that my actions might make u feel uncomfortable. I did thought of holding your hand, but then everytime I thought of it, I looked back at my rough hands and how it'll sweat partly because I'm nervous, I thought better not. It just feels like back to the beginning again. Well, at least now I know. U need a smarter guy. A guy who can read ur mind. A guy who knows everything about u and knows excatly what to do just by looking at u. I'm not that guy. I doubt that I'll ever come close to being that guy. Fuck, my tears are swelling up. Heh, why am I so fucking dumb and naive. Wish I didn't go to boys school, or else I won't be such a hopeless case. Well, if that's what u want then Yee Liang is the guy for. U seem to be able to open your heart to him and he understands a lot about u. I don't know whether you've given up on me but I just can't give u up. Believe me I tried to. But the more I tried to the more I can't. U and rugby are the only two things that make my life meaningful. Both are irreplaceable. I tried to make my dad happy by switching back to golf, but it just didn't work. I just don't have the motivation and the heart in it anymore. Only rugby has it. Likewise for u. No other girls seem to get my attention. Any girl that I look, just seem like any other person to me. Call me clingy, stubborn or just plain stupid, but I can't deny my heart's feelings. Dad's coming on Wednesday. Things are gonna get really heated up again. Where do I draw strength from?
10/4
I wish we can just talk about it. Decide on what's gonna happen next between us. But somehow I choke on myself whenever I want to speak to u from my heart. And most of the times you're not alone.
my second voice
- 7:06 PM